With apps that can get pizza delivered to your doorstep by simply sending a pizza emoticon, it’s no wonder that Generation Y is referred to as the laziest generation. The rise of technology has made it increasingly easier for people to do stuff while exerting the least amount of energy, especially getting laid.
Before the Internet and social media, people had to actually woo their crushes in person to get them to come home with them. Can you imagine? I mean, yeah, we could technically imagine that; Netflix has hundreds of old rom coms and television series that show the effort it used to take to get someone’s attention.
In "The Notebook," a film set in the 1940s, Noah Calhoun, played by Ryan Gosling, writes his love interest, Allie Hamilton, played by Rachel McAdams, a letter every day for a year and builds her dream house in a last attempt to revive the summer love affair they once shared. Allie is smitten by Noah’s chivalry, leaves her fiancé for him, and Noah totally gets laid.
If "The Notebook" took place today, Noah would have probably poked Allie every day for a year on Facebook, built her a house on "Sims 4," and still won her over. Between balancing a social life, schoolwork, actual work and all the daily stresses that come with living in the 21st century, Millennials have no time to throw pebbles at their crush’s windows.
Modern technology has dug the traditional ideals of chivalry deep into the ground with our ancestors, who roll over in their graves as we swipe left and right on Tinder. But as their norms for dating have faded out, the lazy generation has honored its nickname by taking advantage of the era of technology and mastering the art of social media to get laid in the easiest, most effortless way possible.
This is the most important social media platform to master if you want your crush to know that you’re DTF. Number one rule: like everything that they post. That way he/she will see that you notice them, and think that you care about issues they care about, like the article they shared from Elite Daily about 20 things 20-something-year-olds should be doing. Did they upload a new profile picture? Like it. Wrote a happy birthday post on their best friend’s wall? Like it! Also, poke them every day, and if they don’t poke back, poke them again! Heck, poke them ten times in a row; then they’ll really know you mean business.
If you’re feeling super forward, you could straight up just message the person you’re eyeing with “wanna fuck?” Studies have yet to show the exact success rate for this strategy, but according to personal experience, 60 percent of the time, being straightforward is bound to make your crush weak at the knees for you.
Unlike the strategy used for Facebook, don’t like everything your crush posts on Instagram. At first, like a few of their posts consistently, but then, make them work for your like. Make them wonder what will catch your eye. Make them wish that you would like their post. Make them stay up late at night wondering what they’re doing wrong, and what they could be doing better. Once you have them in the palm of your hand, after making them wait impatiently for your validation, backstalk their account and like one of their old posts. The older it is, the better.
Instagram is one of the best ways to show someone that you’re trying to get into their pants without actually having to go all Nicholas Sparks. Every Monday and Wednesday, #ManCrushMonday or #WomanCrushWednesday your crush. This move may seem a little forward, but trust me, it will get you laid.
Tag your crush in posts you think they would enjoy! This will keep you fresh in their mind when you tag them in memes like “Amazon and Anal” and “This could be us but you won’t text me back.” It also subliminally pushes them to hit you up later in the day (as in, at 2a.m.).
They say that friends are a reflection of who you are, which means that Snapchat best friends truly define you. If you can make the person you want to bang your best friend with the yellow heart next to them, then you’re basically dating. But how do I do that, you ask, stupidly. It’s simple, really. Just follow these basic guidelines:
- Every Snapchat you send them should be a nude.
- Find out their interests and hobbies so you can maximize their enjoyment of your snaps. Don’t actually know anything about them except that you want to have sex with them? No problem! Check which pages they’ve “liked” on Facebook to better gauge what they’re into. If they liked "Star Wars," send them a nude of yourself in Princess Leah buns (this works for men and women). Did they like Chili’s Grill and Bar? Snap a nude eating a molten chocolate cake. Did they wear a red t-shirt the other day? Snap a nude of yourself next to a red t-shirt!
- Use the 11:11 Snapchat to your advantage. At 11:11 a.m. and 11:11 p.m., snap your crush using the time filter with the caption “I wish ____.” Some examples: 11:11 I wish you’d text me back, 11:11 I wish you’d have sex with me, 11:11 I wish I wasn’t so lonely.
One of the most under-looked social media platforms is Spotify, but if used correctly, this tool can most certainly help you get laid. First of all, you have to get premium. If you don’t have premium Spotify, then you’re probably a virgin, so I suggest shelling out the $5 a month (fuck yeah, student discount!) if you ever want to swipe your v-card. Spotify is basically the millennial version of making a mix tape with specially chosen songs for one’s boyfriend/girlfriend. So chivalry isn’t necessarily dead, but rather, it's been revamped and upgraded.
Make a sex playlist with songs from The Weeknd, Drake, Frank Ocean, and any other artist whose songs make your panties wet. Make sure your playlist has a dope name, like “69” or “Songs I Fuck To” before sharing it with your crush. Not only will they have an awesome playlist to add to their collection, but also, hearing the songs they will forever associate you with sends a subliminal message that they should sleep with you.
A person’s Twitter account is like an inside look into their mind. It’s more personal than other social media accounts, so it should be used with caution. Similar to the Instagram tactic, favorite your crush’s tweets sporadically to make them work for your attention. Once you create a good enough relationship with your target, slide into their DMs.
The easiest way to get laid by using social media is to match with your crush on Tinder. If you’re lucky enough to have this happen to you, all you have to do is message him or her, “DTF?” Even the dummiest of dummies can’t mess this one up. Pro tip: pretend like you only downloaded the app because you were bored. Ask them for their number by using the excuse that you’re deleting Tinder but want to continue the conversation over text.
Congratulations! You are now equipped with all the tools necessary for getting laid by exerting the least amount of effort. Read “How to Have Sex for Dummies” to learn what to do next!