Hi. I know you don’t think about me anymore, but for some reason, I’m still hanging onto the tiny little chance that you might want to talk to me again. I can’t let it go and it’s killing me.

I can’t let go of the person you portrayed yourself to be, even though I know it wasn’t who you really are. You showed your true colors a few weeks after things changed and I think that’s what breaks my heart the most.

You gave me a forever in a limited amount of time. You showed me what it’s like to be loved, you were interested in everything I had to say, you wanted to spend time with me and most importantly, you loved me for me. It was nice knowing that for once, I was somebody’s first choice and not a last-minute decision.

But it wasn’t real.

The words you spoke to me the last time we saw each other in person still ring in my head every minute of every day. They may not be the first thing I think about when I wake up or the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, but they are there. They’re engraved in my mind like a carving on a tree and they’ll always be a part of me.

It’s affected me more than you probably care to know. But you’re never going to see this, so I need to take a minute to talk about it. Maybe if I get my feelings out, it’ll help me get over you once and for all, but who can repair and build themselves back up after the emotional damage that was done to them?

Recently, I’ve had to tell my friends that I don’t want to hear about how happy they are with their significant others. A subject I used to enjoy hearing about is one that now causes me to choke up every time I hear of someone’s happiness. I can’t help feeling anything but happiness for the ones that mean so much to me because I am too broken from the damage that you brought on.

I found that talking about it helps a little bit, but I do my best to not make you a common household name. You don’t deserve that. In fact, you don’t even deserve to know how bad you hurt me, you don’t deserve anything except to know how it feels to be put through what I’m currently going through.

Most days, it feels like I’m at war with myself. A part of me wants to push you out of my head completely and get on with my life so that I can be the successful, ruthless bad ass that I was born to be, but another part of me continues to hang onto that little sliver of hope that you’ll come back, that you’ll explain yourself and we can try again. But I know that’s not true, so why can’t I let go?

The truth is, nobody made me feel the way that you did: that somebody finally wanted and accepted me for who I am, didn’t ask me to change anything and loved and was so genuinely interested in what I had to say and what I want to do with my life. I think I’m still hanging onto the scenario that you’ll come back, but you’re not going to, and I think I’ve finally realized that I don’t want you to.

I don’t want to think about you anymore. I don’t want to cry over you anymore. I don’t want to hurt because of you anymore.

I’m still getting over the blow you gave to my heart and I’m still trying to recover emotionally from the pain you caused me. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m at rock bottom once again and sometimes I want to text you and tell you that I miss you, but I know that all the progress I’ve made will come crashing down and it will cause more problems than I can currently handle.

Just know that I will recover. I will bounce back, and I will not take any more shit. I’m done letting you control my emotions, you do not and will not ever get that satisfaction.