We are born into a world where we’ll get wrapped up into all sorts of things that are imposed upon us. One of these is on a more literal scale: gender roles. When we are born, we are exposed to gender roles before we can even cry. I don’t necessarily mean our names, though they can play a factor, but the fact that if we are of the male sex we are wrapped in a blue blanket, and a pink blanket if we are of the female sex. This is just a precursor to the dinosaur cakes, easy bake ovens, and the objectification that comes with whichever sex you are. But how does this influence the child?
It can be argued that gender roles, when pressed upon children and adolescents, can be harmful to development. Moreover, a gender neutral approach to parenting may be the best choice.
Before we get into the discussion of gender roles and gender neutral parenting, we must first touch upon what gender identity is. An article on healthychildren.org, sponsored by the American Academy of Pediatrics, defines “gender identity" as what children will declare themselves, either boy, girl, or something in between, when they are able to express themselves better. The same article describes the word “sex” in the context of the assigned male or female status based on physical characteristics (AAP 1).
It is imperative we draw the line between these two terms, because they hold different weight when debating if gender roles are harmful or not. Your sex is something that is given to you at birth; on the other hand, your gender identity is something you discover over time.
Healthychildren.org believes that, by age four, a child starts to develop and have a hold of their gender identity. Children express their gender identity by their appearance, their preferred name, the way they behave in social situations, by using nonverbal gestures, and with their social relationships (AAP 1).
They also say that, “Before the age of three, children can differentiate toys typically used by boys or girls and begin to play with children of their own gender in activities identified with that gender” (AAP 1). This can become problematic when children feel anxiety because they believe their feelings are wrong or unnatural. We will explore later what parents can do to make sure that this isn’t done, in a healthy way. But, there are plenty of other topics that need to be addressed when having the discussion of gender neutral parenting.
Let us now explore what it looks like if parents decide to parent using strict gender roles, even when sometimes, they don’t notice they're doing it. According to an academic article written by Susan D. Witt, gender based expectations begin as early as 24 hours after birth (Witt 1). In my experience, it starts as soon as they are born when they are wrapped in either a pink or blue blanket by the nurse.
Though usually unconsciously, sons are preferred by parents, to the point that if a couple has a girl they are more likely to try again to have a boy. When Witt asked why this is found, he stated, "Reasons given by women for their preference for sons are to please their husbands, to carry on the family name, and to be a companion to the husband. Reasons for wanting daughters include having a companion for themselves and to have fun dressing a girl and doing her hair" (Witt 1).
When looking to see if a parent reinforces gender roles you can look at the child’s room. Girls will have rooms that are pink, and they have a lot of dolls and manipulative toys like kitchen playsets. Contrastingly, a boy’s room is blue, has sports equipment, and holds a lot of vehicle toys. According to Witt, some believe that it is the role of both parents and society that reinforce gender roles; however, others believe it is solely the parents.
Witt states the costs of Gender Roles are limited opportunities, ignored talents, and unfairness in society. She says that, "Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong, that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices" (Witt 1). This just points to how gender neutral parenting leads to higher self-esteem, higher level of self identification, and more flexibility in love lives.
Witt’s study shows preschool children whose mothers work outside the home experience the world with a sense that everyone in the family gets to become a member of the outside world. In addition, their sense of self includes the knowledge that they have the ability to make choices which are not hindered by gender.
Now that we’ve seen how the parents reinforce gender roles, let’s examine how they affect their children. Maria do Mar Pereira, a lead researcher at the University of Warwick, did a study where she followed a group of fourteen year olds in every aspect of their life. In this study she says herself, “Usually we think of gender as natural and biological, but it’s not… We actually construct it in ways that have problematic and largely unacknowledged health risks” (Culp-Ressler 1).
The study shows that the girls involved were starving themselves, though they were a healthy weight, to fit body image standards set by gender roles. While the boys involved were hitting each other, especially in the genitals, drinking large amounts of alcohol, attempting to prove themselves, suppressing feelings, and lacking a strong emotional support system. This was all to prove their masculinity, which ended up causing a lot of anxiety.
Pereira states, “this constant effort to manage one’s everyday life in line with gender norms produces significant anxiety, insecurity, stress and low self-esteem for both boys and girls, and both for ‘popular’ young people and those who have lower status in school.” (Culp-Ressler 1).
At the end of the study Pereira got the students together for both one-on-one sessions and a group session. The one-on-one sessions showed that none of the subjects liked to stress over gender roles, while the group sessions made it clear to the all the students that they were similar in their feelings.
The students then began to slowly change their roles due to their gender: girls leading in co-ed sports, and the boys showing their emotions. Culp-Ressler concludes with “Sometimes adults think it’s impossible to change gender norms because they’re already so deeply entrenched. But they’re much more entrenched in adults than they are in young people.... It’s actually fairly easy to reach young people if you create opportunities for discussion, if you get them to think about their own experiences” (Culp-Ressler 2).
There are five main myths about Gender Neutral Parenting (GNP), and Paige Lucas-Stannard debunked them in her article for Everyday Feminism. First of all, GNP doesn’t want to force androgyny, the lack of gender, as much as it wants to force strong masculinity or femininity.
Next, GNP will not make your kids homosexual. According to TransActive, 85% of gender bending children/youth are cisgender and identify as heterosexual in adulthood (Lucas-Stannard 1).
Another myth is that GNP is anti-femininity and anti-masculinity and that parents who are gender neutral hate both feminity and masculinity. GNP isn’t really “neutral”; it’s all about diversity and making sure that everyone is comfortable in their own skin (Lucas-Stannard 1).
The next myth is that GNP only works for transgender children. Lucas-Stannard battles this by stating, "without strict gender rules children tend to find their place on the spectrum that is not so extreme as hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine" (Lucas-Stannard 2).
The final myth is that parents are only using GNP as a social experiment. Parenting's soul goal is to prepare children for the world. TGP makes it known that we have certain roles based on our gender that will stunt certain children when they are adults. Lucas-Stannard’s whole message is that we should engage the voice of our children; they can say what they do and don’t like (Lucas-Stannard 2).
In conclusion, Gender Neutral Parenting is the best form of parenting because gender roles are harmful to children. We can see this through the harsh expectations parents force upon their children, the anxiety and other health issues induced by stressfully trying to fit gender norms, and the many myths that can easily be debunked. I personally plan on using Gender Neutral Parenting because it will give my children the best chance at a good future.
