1. Why tf are whales so fat? Swimming is supposed to be one of the most aerobic exercises there is, swimming is all that whales do, therefore one can assume that they wouldn't be overweight. Weird. And don't some whales exclusively eat microscopic organic sea creatures? What is up with that? I feel like they make those moan-y sad sounds as a cry for help and self-loathing. Poor whales. I wish I could make them feel beautiful in their blubber.
2. I know we all love breakfast food; some even prefer it over all foods. But what's so good about it? Waffles are great and all, but do we only enjoy it because it's usually the first thing we eat after starving ourselves in our slumber? Think about it people, french toast is absurd. "Oh ya lets take this bread and douse it in egg and fry it with like some cinnamon or something. Cause everyone loves soggy egg bread." Like do we really think squishy bread smothered in syrup is something we'd choose for any other sound meal? I'm not hating on the morning fixin's, I just can't help but feel like I'd obsess over any food I put in my mouth after 8 hours of hard work.
3. WHY ARE ALL BATHROOMS COMPLETELY SILENT. This is actually infuriating to me. Everyone knows what goes down in public bathrooms. Everyone also wants to go about their day pretending that they do not know what goes down in public bathrooms. As they should. I can't think of a single reason why there shouldn't be a requirement in the code of conduct of companies, or the law, or even the US Constitution that says that there will be a loud and unavoidable audio in bathrooms all across America that give men, women and children of all ages the personal right to deny all knowledge of the unsavory happenings of the human body. Government officials if you're reading this, help us all, this nation is in peril. Let us pee loudly in peace, insecurities be damned.
4. We women often refer to men as dogs in order to insult them. Then say we want a man who's patient, loyal, likes to get cozy but also be adventurous. Hmm. Just like a dog. Even the worst dog is loyal enough to respond when you call it though. I think there needs to be a more unpredictable animal to compare bad men too if we really want it to be insulting. Maybe like a raccoon? They do sketchy stuff at night and even though they look cute, you know they're disgusting. Seems more fitting for the type of guy we're trying to describe.5. S'mores are SO underrated. They're simple but perfect.
6. Why is it considered concerning behavior to talk to oneself? It should be encouraged. People are depressed. People are lonely. This is a cruel world we live in, we should be able to support ourselves in any way possible. If I have to give myself a pep talk out loud, you either join in or quit looking at me weird. I'm hilarious. I'm allowed to make myself laugh. We all got a lot going on and sometimes the only person I know who's fit for the job of helping me out, is ME. Besides, all this social media we obsess over is practically just an ongoing convo with yourself anyways, and if you can't entertain yourself how are you supposed to entertain others? *Tells self a knock-knock joke into mirror* Go me.
7. Why is everyone always photographing the sunset and the sky? Actually this one's not really a question to me, I think I get this one. I think people are infatuated with the sky because it never looks quite the same twice. That kind of constant yet fleeting beauty just craves the attention of a camera, to memorialize each passing moment. How relaxing, yet stressful, is the fact that every single time we look up at the clouds they'll be different shapes, or the sunset made up of a complex and diverse set of colors? It's relieving and aggravating. Ugh, nature. Damn your wholesomeness in all its glory.
8. Why does absolutely anyone feel compelled to read my articles? Like literally why? I'm not qualified, I'm barely a legal adult, I complain about mostly everything and I just body-shamed a beluga. Seriously people, thank you, but I totally understand if you want to quit pity-sharing.
