I grew up in a very loving family -- I never felt unimportant or alone. That is, until I went into middle school. I endured three years of being made fun of and bullied. When I hit high school, what little self esteem I had left was gone. I didn’t speak; I thought if no one noticed me, I wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore. But the thing about being invisible is that it makes you feel invisible. I felt so alone. I wasn't, of course -- I had a couple of amazing friends, a supportive family, and I wish I appreciated them more.
I had a hard time making friends because I was painfully shy. At one point, I felt like I finally had a solid group of friends. I got attached and then one of them asked me, “Can you stop following us around?” This broke me. I ran to the bathroom so no one would see me cry. Because of all of this, I had a self-destructive tendency to over-analyze every interaction and conversation with another person. I would convince myself they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave, so I would give up on relationships before they started.
Of course, not all of it was in my head. I was the person you would call when your plans fell through, and cancel on when you'd find something better to do. There were more than a few times when I would catch people lying to me and pretending to have a “family thing” and then I would see on Snapchat that they went to a party.
I felt so alone. I felt unwanted.
After growing up a bit, and meeting some amazing compassionate people, I understood that I wasn’t unwanted, and even if certain people didn’t like me, that wasn’t my fault. Some people will not like you, and it’s most likely because they see something in you that they don’t like about themselves. I had to accept that I couldn't make people like me.
I truly believe that people don’t mean to hurt other people, but as a teenager, you look out for yourself and your own social standing. I don’t think that person would have said to “stop following" them if she knew that it hurt me as much as it did.
To the people who made me feel unwanted: I forgive you. I understand I am not everyone's cup of tea, but before you dismiss me as a girl who liked to play the victim, think about what you said to me, how you made me feel so unwanted. I am not asking for an apology; I am hoping you will think next time about how what you say and do can effect someone, because the next person might not be able to recover.
To anyone who feels unwanted: You are loved, and one day you will meet people who will make you feel important and wanted. Don’t let your scars from the past effect your future; you have to learn to let go and forgive.
