I sat on the stinging cold couch which felt awkwardly pleasing on such a hot day, June 20, 2015. Such a weird day. A day that is branded into my mind. It really is like branding to me. It's a giant scar on my heart that is still painful to the touch. Never did I think the sound of someone's name would make me cringe so hard until I lost the one person that knew every single little detail. Who knew about every scar; every song I loved. Who knew the things to say.

Going back, we'll start from the very beginning. No one really knows the whole story, so I'll go with the whole story this time. It needs to be heard, things need to be spoken that I have held onto for so long. So many words have been spoken about me when no one knows how it really is, or how it was, but I don't like using past tense nonsense. We'll say it still is. Maybe a love story is all about happily ever after but this isn't fucking happy. This is a heartbreaking, terribly true story. The only reason why I'm writing it is because I'm going crazy holding it in. I can't do it anymore and people need to know the truth about love. Here it goes.

I walked around nervously waiting to find the boy that I had been waiting for for months. He texted me and said to walk outside, that he would meet me on the parking deck at the Braintree mall. I felt so many emotions all at once. What if he didn't like me? What if I wasn't everything he expected? Hands shaking, body sweating, even in the cold night air. I rushed outside with my best friend at the time to find the man I had been waiting for. I feel the cold breeze running down my spine, as I walk outside the automatic doors open which seems to take 1 million years. I see him walking from about 50 feet away. He's a lot shorter than I imagined which has always been one of those things I'm a stickler about but I like him. He runs up and takes me into his arms. It's like we've known each other forever. I knew it felt like I was holding back mostly because he knew that I had been hurt but he was more than willing to fix that. He was with a few of his friends and I was just with one of mine; everyone just seems to get along so well.

He tells me "Hey let's leave the mall and go on an adventure." Although I am skeptical, I agree. I sit on his lap in the car because there's not enough seats. I feel like I am awkwardly too close but his warmth makes me feel like I'm home. We drive around for hours. We go up onto a hill at the Quincy Quarries and do donuts avoiding all police officers. Heart racing, I laugh while he videotapes the evidence of the fun we all had.

It was time for me to go home, so they dropped me off. He gets out of the car once we all arrive back at my house and hugs me for what seems to be an eternity. He says, "Well, will I see you ever again?" To which I reply "Yeah, sure, absolutely....if you're lucky." Months go by and he decides that he wants to be a marine once he graduates. I tell him that's absolutely fine just please make sure he always stays safe. "I'm invincible," he says. It made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. Maybe he actually was invincible. Maybe things couldn't hurt him, I thrived off of his strength and his goals and dreams. He made me feel like I could live vicariously through him because I was totally scared to do all of the things he wanted to.

After many fights I finally told him I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to lose him. I wasn't ready for the commitment. After many months I decided maybe I wasn't ready for everything he was. He graduated, and three months later, he left for Parris Island. It was an absolute shock to me. He left without even saying goodbye. Many months flew by and my life was absolutely changed. I dreamt about him, but I didn't miss him the way he missed me.

He hurt. He wished that every day he could talk to me. That's the weird thing about love. You never know. You never know when the last time you'll say I love you will be. I left for vacation, February in 2014. At one moment for whatever reason he popped up in my mind. I looked on his Facebook and saw that he was doing well. I decided to reach out to him. I go on twitter and see that he had actually just recently followed me after months of having me blocked. "Nice," I think to myself. Finally I could talk to him again. With that said and done, I message him. "Hey stranger how ya been?"

"I've been shitty, times have been weird."

"Where are you now?"

"California." All of his answers were very short and to the point as I had expected. I mean, I knew what I did. Yes I was sorry, forever will be...but I really just wasn't as eager as he was. That was just unavoidable. "I'm going to Florida in a few months though!" He said in a lighter mood.

"That's awesome!" I said; it was hard to relay feelings over messages for me, but I tried my best. I wanted him to know I missed him more than anything. I clearly wouldn't just come out and say it, but I wished I could. He was hesitant to fall for me again, simply because I hurt him so much before, so maybe it wouldn't be fair.

Maybe things weren't all they had cracked up to be...but after a few hours we were laughing and singing all of the old songs and everything was okay. The void that had been missing for so long was back again. The only way I can describe him is a seriously hot coffee on a freezing cold morning when you feel like you can't put enough clothes on to get warm. It's like that coffee just soothes your soul; you can feel it deep. That was him, he was my hot coffee. He always looked for the best in me and he thought he could reverse me in the most beautiful ways possible, but I'm not that person. I am indecisive and a mess. Look up "Train wreck" in the dictionary and a picture of me will be clinging on to the page so hard that the book is basically suffocating.

Things go back to normal, everything is great. He is my coffee, the kind from a good coffee shop that doesn't taste too bitter or have that sour aftertaste, things are okay.

Fast forward to June and marriage comes up. I'm terrified. Marrying a guy I haven't seen in months?! Are you kidding? I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it was even in his mind, it made me want to throw up. Not because it was him...but because what the hell do I look like? A housewife? Are you kidding?! No one saw that potential in me.

He had so much faith in me it made me melt, but yeah...I tripped out when marriage was brought up. Back to the cold couch, man it was freezing. I sat at the edge. I was doing the awkward forward lean because I only had a sports bra on and I knew it was going to be uncomfortably cold on my back and I hate that feeling more than anything. It's like sitting on a cold toilet seat. Literally the worst. We got into a fight so he didn't text me back all day, we fought a lot so it was normal for us not to talk to each other for a day then the next day we'd apologize and be okay again. It was a weird normal that only we really understood. No one else could ever get it, it's just not one of those things not meant to get.

I spent that day at the beach. I was with my friends and I was so ready to be free because my junior year was almost over and finals were so close. The salty air called my name; the ocean was beckoning me. I didn't touch my phone at all that day really. I didn't know I needed to. that was probably the first big mistake I made in this real life series of unfortunate events that were unfolding in front of me...I was just too blind to see. I didn't touch my phone at all while he struggled all day to find the words to say to me. That's one of the worst parts of suicide...you never know what the other person you love is thinking. That's what my biggest mistake was; not asking him what he was feeling at all times.

The beach was nice, we also went to Sonic that night. It was probably one of the best nights of my life. My clothes were soaking wet so I was wearing my friend Keith's jean shorts and a huge t-shirt...I looked so weird but i didn't even care. I got chicken tenders and french fries and that microwavable toast they give you with your meal. I remember I left my phone in the car and I was pissed off because we were throwing ice at random people in Sonic and recording their reaction. I was the only one that didn't have my phone I often think to myself, "Wow maybe if I would've grabbed it Peter would still be here."

I learned after a while through therapy that I wasn't "allowed" to think like that or beat myself up over it because it was his choice. It still crosses my mind every day. After we all finished eating that night, we went outside and had a dance party at like 4 am in the Sonic parking lot...it was so beautiful. That was my last real account of true happiness. I wish i was still close with the people that shared that moment with me but that is a story for another time. The drive home was so peaceful, we just listened to slow songs. I remember getting home, walking into the living room and seeing my mom smoking a cigarette in her rocking chair. I charge my phone for what seems like hours before it finally turns on again. I see that I have a notification on Facebook from an unfamiliar person. Hmm, I thought, weird. I open it up and see a message from someone (who's name i will not be mentioning) and he asked me "Hey what do you know about Peter?" which seemed like I should've known something was wrong but in that moment I wasn't thinking straight so I didn't think anything of the weird context of that question.

I said, "What do you mean?" and he said, "Do you still talk?" which really wasn't his business but I guess i just didn't care at that point in time. Fast forwarding...this entire time he knew Peter was gone, that part killed me. A lot of people didn't know that I spent hours calling sergeants, previous roommates, current roommates...everyone. Everyone that was important. No one answered, of course.

I ended up getting the message that completely destroyed my heart forever. "Mac, Peter passed away around 9:20 pm." I remember how getting that message felt...if there's any way to describe it; it was like that heart in your stomach feeling. It's like you're on a roller-coaster that isn't stopping and you're constantly upside down trying to adjust to the new feeling you're bring forced into. Everything was taken from me that nigh; my happiness, my belief of love, my hope, my confidant. All just ripped from my hands; my mom, still on the rocking chair, looked at my face and instantly started crying. She didn't even know what happened yet. If you know my mom, you know that she knows me better than anyone on this planet. She just knew.

I remember watching her pick up my phone and read the message. I remember watching the happiness escape from her eyes, he was like her son. How were we supposed to go on? I had no idea what to do or what to feel; the days after that were really blur. I couldn't listen to the radio because every song made me think of him. I couldn't listen to the Weekend because one of Petey's last tweets were lyrics from him. Life became black, or grey. I say black because it's just darker and morbid. At one point one of the fondest memories I remember after he left was sitting under a tree with my friend Keith and just crying.

I remember that was the first time I put my phone down and just took everything in. I stopped answering everyone, stopped taking in the apologies for his decision making and I just cried. That was the moment I realized it was all real. Another moment that wasn't much of a blur was when I was in the shower about 4 days after he passed away. I remember the guy my family was living with was outside mowing the lawn. He had the radio on outside and I could hear it from the bathroom, it was the first time I had heard the "See You Again" song from Fast and Furious. Such shitty timing.

I was sitting down in the shower and holding my ears closed with my fingers. I remember screaming so loud that my throat hurt for days. I was trying to scream louder than my thoughts and feelings. A year and a few months, fast-forward through relationships I used to try to replace him and my fear of being alone. All I know is that I am okay now, at least as okay as I can be.

My heart is still filled with sadness; it certainly comes in waves. I take it all one day at a time. I am in love with a man that is not a replacement, but a new chapter in my book. A man that reminds me I WILL overcome my hurt. With all of this that I felt the need to share, I share it because Petey is not meant to be forgotten. I share our story because it is a story like no other, a story that my children deserve to hear. A story of a love that could never be replaced and love lost. At least that's how I like to think of it.

I like to think that he is in a place with no pain or heartache and I sure as hell hope he found whatever he was looking for. He is my heaven. He is my angel. if I can give any advice from this situation and my experiences, love people hard. Tell people how you feel always. Tell people every single thing. If you are sad, tell people. Be open, don't be scared. Life is yours and it is beautiful. Don't ever ever feel like it is not meant to be lived.