Making friends in college seems so easy because everyone wants companionship.
During orientation, you easily got some phone numbers of people who seemed nice enough to eat with, hang out with on the weekends, and study with. But, what happens when the people you met during orientation become our real-life friends? Soon, they're no longer the people you casually hang out with. They're real friends: the person you actually have affection for, the person you can share things with, learn things from, and spend time with.
Fast forward a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years, and some friendships will have changed a lot. You’ll have had some great conversations and memories, but what happens when a friendship loses its core?
We need to talk about friendship love, friendship fights, and friendship break-ups the same way that we talk about romantic relationships. Losing someone that you cared for, spent time with, and knew so much about hurts. You know everything about each other and have shared so much of your college experience, but, sometimes, that’s not enough.
Friendship should be so much more than just spending time with someone. There’s an emotional, supportive connection that you should share with a great friend. Friendship should be a two-way street, like any relationship is. When you support a friend, they should do the same for you in your time of need. You should aspire for one another. When you go out of your way to make sure your friend is happy, thriving, and reaching their goals, they should do the same. If you want to live a life surrounded by positivity, your friend should contribute to that. If you know what you want from a friendship, whether that be someone to turn to with your problems, someone to debate with and learn from, someone who shares your passions, or someone to just eat with, you should find that in the person you call a “friend.”
If you feel used, abused, neglected, ignored, or drained after spending time with someone, they aren’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated. If anyone felt this way in a romantic relationship, that relationship would easily be qualified as toxic, abusive, or unequal in some way. It shouldn't be any different for friendships! It’s alright to recognize when a friendship has gone sour and it’s alright to distance yourself from people that bring negativity in to your life.
It’s alright to tell a friend that they’ve hurt you, whether it was intentional or unintentional on their part. You’re allowed to say how you feel and prioritize your feelings. If your friendship is worth anything to them, your friend will recognize your feelings too and try to mend things that have fallen apart. They’ll hear you out, accept how their actions have made you feel, and apologize for some things that have gone wrong.
If they don’t recognize how you’re feeling, if they aren’t communicating, and if they aren’t reaching some sort of resolution with you, then they aren’t valuing you enough. If they apologize once but keep acting the same way, you’re allowed to have the same conversation again. However, you’re also allowed to know what’s right for you– you’re allowed to stop being friends entirely. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Romantic relationships in college aren’t expected to last forever easily. Friendships don't easily last forever, either. Relationships can stand the test of time if effort is put in to them. If you continue to share the same values in your relationship, it can work. If you don’t feel that your friendship is productive, balanced, or friendly anymore and you talk about it, it’s alright to acknowledge the end of something that was once great.
Spend time with people who make you happy. Spend time with people who continuously support you, people that make you feel good about the time you spend with them, people that challenge you and grow with you, and people that care about friendship as much as you do.
