We were friends and then I wanted more because who doesn't get lonely, who doesn't crave something more, and you were there. You probably don't see it the same way that I do because we've always butted heads a bit, but that was what made us interesting. You know how much I hate these three words. Friends with benefits. Everyone always says friends with benefits relationships end badly but I chose not to believe it because I thought we were different, I assumed that we were the exception to the rule, only to learn that we weren't.
I have come to realize that the only real difference between a friends with benefits relationship and a serious relationship is the possibility of the person you're sleeping with sleeping with someone else. And do you know why I say this? In both a friends with benefits relationship and an actual relationship you are friends and you're attracted to each other. The dumbest part though is that I thought I could do it, I thought that it wouldn't bother me when I heard that you were hooking up with other people, I thought that it would be fine, but I was wrong because I am a possessive person and I just can't help it and I should've known that I couldn't do it.
I have always been a possessive person and I don't know if it's something that I am capable of changing, I'm possessive of my things and I'm possessive of my friends and if you try to claim my best friend as your best friend I will legitimately fight you. It's not a trait I'm particularly proud of but my possessive nature does make me incredibly loyal which I happen to think is a good trait in people.
So basically what I'm trying to say is that I cannot be a part of a friends with benefits relationship with you or with anyone else because I am an incredibly emotional person and somewhere along the way with all of your flirting and your supportive friendship I think something changed for me, which would be fine if it had changed for you too but I doubt that it did because we aren't "long-term compatible" and we "aren't going to last long in a relationship." I want so badly to be done with this exhausting situation, but I can't because I've tried before, and it didn't work because I convinced myself that I need you.
And maybe in a way I do, maybe in some way I do need you. I need you to be supportive of my decisions and I need you to tell me when I'm being crazy, and I need you to help me figure out what is going on in my life because we both know it confuses the hell out of me. And I'm terrified of how this might end but I don't think you could ever lose me as a friend because somewhere along the way you became my best guy friend and I don't want to lose you, but I think I already have.
