What to do when you stop looking for your soulmate @Barnumbia.
Mid-way through this spring semester I had a rough time with schoolwork and a building anxiety that was inside of me. While I was in a dark place inside my mind I was also in a relationship/situationship. For a moment everything was perfect except me. My anxiety has a way to overwhelm me when I’m overwhelmed with work. It is at times crippling, I’ll just watch TV for hours trying to ignore all emotions and even thoughts about doing work. I usually have to struggle with these feelings alone. In my past relationships in college I was able to escape, breakup or simply disappear while I worked out my emotions and worked on papers. But then, I was in a relationship with a great guy, the type of guy I could have long conversations with. A guy I genuinely liked and wanted to spend time with. But like all flames, this one went out. It was just unfortunate that it went out at my already psychologically lowest moment. I remember the self torture I went through trying to figure out what about me could I change, how much begging and groveling was acceptable for my pride, and of course, how was I going to get through the rest of the semester without him?
But it was when I told my closest friends about our breakup, I was granted a blessing. My best friends would help me get through. My friends who I had neglected, were there for me the moment I took off my relationship goggles. They helped me get out in ways I couldn’t expect or imagine. From staying up late with me, forcing me to go to club meetings and functions, pushing me to run for the e-board of my favorite club. They supported me in a way I was craving from one person, one man. In retrospect it was naive of me to expect that one person could give me all of the love and fulfillment that I get out of the many wonderful men and women I surround myself with. Friends always know what’s up. I sobbed openly in front of my roommate/friend under the pretense of the breakup, but somehow it felt like she knew what was really wrong and helped me talk it out. Those nights of when I couldn’t handle my studies and life dramas, brought us close. I pushed myself to be open with those who I trusted, and they didn’t let me down. With their help I was able to stay on track in school, feel better about my situation, and take care of myself. It ended up being the breakup that pushed me to become closer to my friends and being a better friend myself. I started being the type of friend that I wanted. The one that will randomly send memes of funny jokes, the type that will check up on a friend, the type who will be there for a friend at a moment’s notice, even when it’s hard, even when it’s inconvenient.
The biggest myth about college is that you will find your soulmate during New Student Orientation. After two years of being @Barnumbia (Barnard/Columbia) I’ve realized that this high stress environment is probably the worst place to find a first husband or wife. The culture of living in New York is very go, go, go! On to the next paper, project, boy. Even when you find yourself in a relationship (or mostly situationships) endless school work or actual work seems to always get in the way of spending time with the person you really want to be with. What is also hard in this environment is making and maintaining those friendships that will fulfill you in your time of need and help you through those stressful times of school and work.
A week ago I was talking to a Barnard alumna who I greatly admire. She told me this, “The friends you find here, the ones you stay up late at night laughing with, will be your friends for your entire life, these are the women who will turn to you to be their maid-of-honor, who will plan your first baby shower and be the god-mothers to your children. These are the women who you will lean on when you lose your parents. And the friends who will be with you through boyfriends, husbands, jobs, and more.”
I fully believe in those words. I want to be a life-friend to the wonderful people I’ve found here at college. I want them to support me and support them in life. I’ve found a type of happiness with them that I couldn’t and can’t get from having a boyfriend. When frat parties fail to be fun, I’ve found sorority crushes and formals to be chill, judgement-free zones where I could dress up and just dance with friends. When bar-hopping and dates get boring, just cooking and eating dinner with friends can be the perfect destresser. Even just watching TV with a friend can be more enjoyable than doing it alone.
Friendships are work. And in college it becomes obvious which relationships you want to put the work in for, and which you are okay never pursuing further. Friends will be there for you when relationships aren’t. I am so grateful for the folk I’ve surrounded myself with, and even when I wasn’t paying attention, they decided they were grateful to have me around also. So when those of us who are a little relationship-crazy wake up, remember to see the friends around you who will be there for you through everything.