September 12, 2018

Okay, I'm not exactly sure what this is. All I know is that I don't know what to write and all the history homework that I have for tomorrow is glaring at me from my desk. I had 2 ideas for an article, but if I'm being honest, they feel like empty ideas. Not to say they were bad ideas or anything, but they just felt like fluff or a "filler" articles to get this out of the way. I don't want to just "get it out of the way"; writing is one of the few things I actually enjoy right now, so why should I not want to do it?

My theory is simply this: the freshman reds.

There's a slight chance I'm just making this up as I go, but for the sake of the next few paragraphs, bear with me. I'm scared. That's me being honest. I also happen to be a freshman at Villanova University. Hence the "Honest Freshman", very original right? The point is, I'm scared. When I use to think about college I always thought that I would be excited, and in some ways I am, but I guess I never really considered there would be more than 1 primal feeling when I finally got to college. Clearly I was wrong.

According to Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's, the mean reds are when, "Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." The freshman reds are when you are afraid and you are completely aware of the thousands of things that make you afraid. There's 8:30s for one (Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are killing me, and I was late to one already), then there's making new friends (and feeling like you have none), so much reading and work to do (it's only been 3 weeks, I can only guess it all goes downhill from here), and oh, right, the fact that the next 4 years will very likely determine the rest of our lives. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

But now a more personal fear. Besides being afraid I'm going to fail at college or crumble under all the stress of my unmade homework, I'm scared of not fitting in. A common fear among young people, but for some reason, I look around campus and a small voice in my head tells me, "it's only you." And even my most rational voice breaks under pressure and asks, "what if I am?" I'm finding friends and I'm managing, and honestly, they are great and I feel very comfortable around them, but there's still one thing that bothers me. I'm Latina, and for the past 3 weeks, I've felt horrible and afraid because what if I don't fit in with the other Latinos and Hispanics? Will that make me a "bad Latina"?

It makes little to no sense, but that fear is there. There's no such thing as a "bad Latina", and yet I'm afraid. What if I don't fit in with the people I ought to have a world of things in common with? I'm scared by this irrational misconception in my mind, and it has been making me miserable for days, but that has to stop (this is me trying to stop it).

I have to remember, it's only been 3 weeks, and most of that fear is just the freshman reds. That's all. It seems so silly and minimal when I write it down, and I guess ultimately that's why I'm writing this. I'm not trying to teach a lesson or find the meaning to college life right now; I just want a space where I can have my little Carrie Bradshaw moment, and just talk and write and realize it's not that bad. I just want a space to be foolishly honest, and that's what "Diary of an Honest Freshman" will be all about. Thank you.