Is there freedom in stillness? I often ask myself this as I observe my life from the outside looking in. I can see a woman of medium stature watching over an energizer bunny of a child while the rest of the world around them continues in circles of constant repetition. For the past four years, I did not think that I would be here right now. The 18-year-old me would probably gawk openly at me for creating such a life. “What happened to medical school? Remember the peace corps? Traveling?” She would say to me with a snarky witticism to which I would kindly reply “That was then, and this is now.”

I find myself writing about this topic quite a bit, and I believe it is because I come into contact with it so often. One of the biggest questions I hear from others and even find myself thinking is: Are you truly free being where you are in your life? Like, what does that even mean? Sure, I can go grab a bite to eat with my sister or run to the store to grab a pint of ice cream. Given, I now have to do those things on an adjusted schedule. No, I can’t just do whatever I want when I want it. Everything has a schedule, and everything has a plan. Remember when your mom used to say everything has its own place during clean up time? Yeah, that is my life. Times and seasons all arranged to fit into a frame that works best for our little family are what create the cobblestone path into my soul.

I think that is what confuses people the most when I say that I believe I feel free. How could you be free with so many obligations and constraints? Well, if you look at it that way, then no. I am not free at all. If you take it from a negative perspective, you will find yourself interpreting my life as one that commonly befalls women who are married with children: structured and settled. For a while, I still had this thought process, and at times I still do, but something has changed. There is a freedom in stillness. There is a freedom in organization and management. You are probably wondering what I mean when I say this. I simply want you to know that there is something about stability and structure that is freeing. Not having to worry about meals or making rent, which is a blessing, is a freedom that a lot of people in this world do not have.

There is something to be said for knowing how the day may go, and also being okay with the fact that it may not always go the way it was planned. There is something about freedom that is entwined with stillness because there in the midst of it all is some relief. It is necessary and oh so welcome in my life. I couldn’t imagine living without such a thing.