A Forgiveness Letter To Myself

Dear Olivia,

I want to start out by saying that I’m really proud of you. Rest assured, I see the change in you.

I see you are evolving. I can feel your spirit expanding, that you are daring to step into your fear and trust that you can rise above and connect with the strongest part of yourself, your “knowing self".

I truly feel that you are happier, more centered, a better friend to people, a better daughter, and a better partner. You are recognizing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now at this moment.

I can feel that you are slowly surrendering to that.

Obviously, it has not always been this way. You have spent a lot of the last few years living in a state of panic. I love and feel for the "you" that felt so racked with anxiety and fear despite all the gifts you have in your life.

You really have so many. It’s kind of insane how many you have.

I know you are still far from perfect, but a part of me likes that you will never be there, or even close, for that matter. It doesn’t bother me in the least.

I only care that you keep letting go of what is no longer serving you, namely the very strong emotional attachment to how your life SHOULD look.

I only care that you keep saying yes to the possibility, to love and the potential for gorgeous, pivotal, awesome experiences right under your nose.

The mysteries of how life weaves its way are too exhausting to wrangle, and I know that it can sometimes be hard to trust that you are enough. You are.

I know there is real darkness in you, and I accept that and I accept you. Without this darkness, there wouldn’t be the light that I have grown very fond of. It’s okay that you make mistakes or become petty. I know you are trying so damn hard not to sink down, but rather to rise up.

It’s okay because you are still learning how to fully embrace your light. I know you are still pretty protective of it, trying to control and shield it from the elements, from other people, for fear they might blow it out.

Sometimes, this actually causes YOU to smother and snuff it out, to have to start the process of rekindling the flame. I forgive you for this. Flames can be relit.

I forgive you for saying all those really nasty things to yourself and for dragging yourself down when you were trying to fly because I get it. I get that part of you still wants to smash down into the concrete sometimes.

I forgive you for stuffing yourself with food to feel that low, that smashed down, or to fill emptiness or yearning with things that only perpetuate the emptiness and yearning.

I forgive you for your cruelty, and I recognize that the need to be cruel to others is really a need to be cruel to yourself. You know you always feel terrible afterward, so I won’t try to punish you anymore.

I forgive you for telling yourself that you were ugly, or fat, or undesirable, for telling yourself you weren’t worthy of the beautiful life you dreamed of, of true friendships or unconditional love.

I forgive you for abusing yourself sometimes. I know you are still figuring out the relationship between your mind, body, and spirit. I am giving you that space, free of judgment.

I forgive you for not helping people, even when every cell of your body was screaming for you to take action because you were tired, or it was inconvenient or it felt uncomfortable or confusing. I forgive you for keeping your eyes shut to all the lessons all around you all the time, blocked by tunnel vision or bitterness.

I forgive you for still having “issues” and holding on so tightly to your story, like a kid holding its blanket. You are still a mystery to yourself, and I hope you continue uncovering clues until the day you die.

I forgive you for living in your head instead of your body, especially because you know that is where you are happiest. You know that on a cellular level because your highest intelligence lives in your body. You have always known that, deep in your bones.

I really do forgive you for all these things and I’m really happy for you. I’m happy that you have started asking yourself difficult questions and starting to lovingly ask for more from yourself, that you are starting to look inside and not on the outside for true contentment.

You were beautiful from the day you were born before you knew how to judge yourself. You really were. You were loved before you knew how to breathe, to judge yourself, to demand love or ask for it.

You can allow your light to shine the brightest if you return to that place, by not blocking this life with your ego and your need to control people and their perception of you.

I know you know that life’s story is much more beautiful when you make peace with yourself. You are and have always been full of beauty.

Sit in silence with that.

With love,
Olivia