Mom, I Forgive You For Being Bipolar And For The Things You Can't Change

Mom, I Forgive You For Being Bipolar And For The Things You Can't Change

My mother, my monster....

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Growing up with a mom diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was difficult, and although there are things she cannot change, I've forgiven her. Sometimes I see myself in her, the good and the bad, and she has become my main confidant in life when I'm struggling. Regardless of my upbringing, regardless of the lows and highs, we have both experienced together, I am thankful for all that she has taught me.

My monster cannot change all of the weeks I spent as a child laying in bed with It because it simply could not get up. It cannot change the way words can feel like cold daggers when thrown by the right person. It cannot change the violence I witnessed, the blood and the anger I've never seen in anyone besides myself. Mania was her vice, along with the substances she used to control it. I was ten years old when It detailed how it downed the rest of It's Xanax bottle the night before, held it's rosary and prayed it wouldn't wake up. This, however, was not my mother. This was my monster.

A foe worse than any boogie man or goblin on her bad days. My monster tells me I need to grow thick skin, I need to grow up. It tells me I am weak, that it has to love me but does not have to like me. It screams when I've asked simple questions, shouts in the face of my father over flat tires, money, a change in tone, light-hearted jokes thrown at the wrong moment. My monster breaks candles and glass bottles over my father's body. It threatens to run away, kill itself, start a new life without a family that holds it back.

My mother is exuberant. She is full of color and passion. She has the loudest laugh and widest smile when we joke. Strong-willed, although synonymous with stubborn, is still a good characteristic. Nights spent dancing in the kitchen making caramel apples and drinking sparkling juice because she knew it made me feel "fancy". Beds made on couches by her, because I was too sick to go to school. Countless three a.m breakdowns consoled by the woman who understood me most because she knows the monster that takes her place sometimes feels the same way I do. Secrets shared in dark rooms while waiting to see if the sun really would rise again. Summer days lost to lounging in the sun with her.

This is when my mother lives on sunshine and the stories I tell her. She breathes in my worries and exhales confidence and guidance. She tells me I am beautiful. Her advice falling from her mouth, pooling at her feet to water the seeds I have sown but have been too melancholy to care for. She hands out vouchers for self-forgiveness in her words. The only person in this life who can tell me she gets it just by looking at me. This is my mother.

There are things I cannot change either. I cannot change the look on my mother's face when my dad and I refused to read the books she brought home titled "Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar" and "When Someone You Love is Bipolar". I cannot change the years I let her lay in her bed alone. I cannot change the times I have wished her dead, wished her different at least. I cannot change my childhood or the anxiety it has given me.

A time came where I realized that I cannot have my mother without my monster. They need each other to exist and she is worth all of the heartache she causes. I believe I have forgiven my Bipolar Mother for the things she cannot change.

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11 Netflix Documentaries That Will Make You Ditch The Essay Due At Midnight And Binge Watch For Hours

Who doesn't love a good Netlfix documentary?

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In school, they used to force us to watch documentaries all the time. For some reason, at that age, they were boring and I hated when we had to watch them, and pay attention so we could answer the questions on the worksheet the teacher passed out.

However, now that I am older, I am a sucker for a good documentary. It could be the music, the tone of the voice in them, or my thirst for knowledge, but I am addicted to them. Netflix is pulling out some top-notch documentaries and changing the game, which means more binge-watching. I am using my binge-watching for good and made a list of the best documentaries that you need to watch now. Check them out below:

1. "Terrorism Close Calls"

"Law enforcement officials look back on attempted terrorist attacks that were thwarted in the nick of time." This documentary takes you behind the scenes of terrorist attacks that were prevented. It is interesting to see how terrorist organizations work and how hard governments work to keep their people safe.

2. "Conversations With a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes"

"Present-day interviews, archival footage and audio recordings made on death row form a searing portrait of notorious serial killer Ted Bundy."

I think we are so fascinated by serial killers because of how they think and act. It is so unnatural that it is interesting to see if someone is born a serial killer, or made into one. This documentary on Ted Bundy shows interviews, footage with Bundy, and goes over every move he made as he killed across the United States. You even get an interview with the woman who escaped from Bundy.

3. "Evil Genius: the True Story of America's Most Diabolical Bank Heist" 

"This baffling true crime story starts with the grisly death of a pizza man who robs a bank with a bomb around his neck -- and gets weirder from there."

This documentary shook me. It was so crazy, I made my family watch it and I rewatched it. This story is so crazy and filled with many layers of plotting and planning. One of my favorites that Netflix has.

4. "Wild Wild Country"

"When a controversial cult leader builds a utopian city in the Oregon desert, conflict with the locals escalates into a national scandal."

I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen. This documentary plays like a crazy movie. It's hard to understand that this actually happened, but if it wasn't so crazy it wouldn't be a documentary. There are some explicit content and swearing.

5. "The Staircase"

"Accident or murder? After the mysterious death of his wife, author Michael Peterson watches his life go under the microscope."

Did he do it? This Netflix documentary investigates the death of an author's wife. Like all murder mysteries, this one has lots of twists and turns that will keep you on the edge of your seat.

6. "Trump: An American Dream" 

"Friends, associates and critics reveal the truly American story of Donald Trump, the brash businessman who defied the odds to become U.S. president."

Regardless of your political beliefs, this documentary goes over President Trump's life and how he got to where he is.

7. "Inside the Criminal Mind" 

"Explore the psychological machinations and immoral behavior that define the most nefarious types of criminals."

This is basically if you took Criminal Minds and a documentary, and meshed them together.

8. "November 13: Attack on Paris"

"Survivors and first responders share personal stories of anguish, kindness and bravery that unfolded amid the Paris terror attacks of Nov. 13, 2015."

If you know the basics of what happened in the attack on Paris in 2015, but want more information about what happened, then this documentary is for you. You learn the personal stories of everyone who was affected by this tragedy and what happened after.

9. "FYRE: The Greatest Party That Never Happened" 

"The Fyre Festival was billed as a luxury music experience on a posh private island, but it failed spectacularly in the hands of a cocky entrepreneur."

This documentary of a festival scam that tricked many people into spending tons of money for a tent and a bottle of water just goes to show how extra people will go to with the fear of missing out and to get that great Instagram shot.

10. "The Bible Miniseries"

"The Bible is an epic 5-week TV mini-series premiering 3.3.13 on the History Channel from Emmy winning husband & wife team, Mark Burnett & Roma Downey."

This is an interesting take on bringing The Bible to life. If you want a look at the Bible from the scope of watching it through the screen, then this is for you.

11.  "Abducted in Plain Sight"

"A young girl is kidnapped by the families best friend and neighbor. Twice!"

This insane story will leave you speechless. I know I am.

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Having A Unique Relationship With Your Roommate Isn't Bad, It Can Actually Be Quite Great

Some people are always talking to their roommate hanging out all the time, but mine might be different.

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College is the land of the jungle and one of the best ways to get through is to have some friends. Usually, your first friend is probably your roommate and that is totally understandable but my first friend wasn't my roommate and honestly had a different way of getting to know him.

When I was going through out housing portal to find a roommate I really didn't know what i was doing. Should I message him? Should I try to meet him beforehand? I didn't do either. I saw the first name and went from there, for all i knew he could've been completely insane but, he wasn't thankfully.

Moved in and it was all good and we still didn't talk to each other on move in day, I know that sounds crazy but we didn't say a word to each other. It was weird that I would have to share this tiny cramped space with someone that I haven't even talked to yet. But, hey at some point i knew we would. to be honest, my mom was the first one to talk to him and they actually had a lot on common. they both grew up in the same neighborhood, crazy.

We finally talked to each other after about three weeks of going here and living with each other. We got to know each other a lot and we actually had a lot in common, we must've talked for 2 to 3 hours about random stuff, but it was so much fun. Then after that we didn't talk again for like another 3 or 4 days. Honestly, that is completely fine with me. We both understood how busy our lives would be since we are taking so many classes, studying, being with friends, and working.

I'm going to be honest, we don't talk to each other everyday, hang out and go to eat together, go to parties, or hell even play video games together. We share the space and we stay cool with each other. We make sure everything works in the room and we maintain the relationship of that we make it through the year without problems. I think both us don't expect much since we are guys and that can be an easy thing to handle.

But, through all of that I gladly call my roommate my friend. He's a guy that I can go to for advice on relationships, talk to about nerdy stuff that I know others couldn't relate to, and also be cool with that we won't talk every single day or hang out a bunch. It is different, but it's that good different that makes you step out of the comfort zone a bit. Someday he will read this and I hope he has embraced our time and sees me as a friend as well. Because I know he's a great guy and a great friend, maybe he doesn't right now but maybe over time we will be great friends.

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