Dear Anxiety,

You've tortured me for almost 11 years and I've tolerated you. You plant fears in my brain that don't exist and I go along with it because it's all that I know. You create a panic in me to the point where I can't move, can't breathe and can't focus on anything other than the problem at hand. You are my best friend and my worst nightmare. You give me comfort, but I also fear you.

I can't get a job like a normal person. If someone yells or there is a loud sound, I run to a corner or bathroom in fear, stare into blank space, and let the silent tears fall till I feel okay again. My hands are constantly shaking and my heart is always racing. There is always a problem created.

I'll admit my choices and my life haven't really made it any easier. I strive so hard every day to be somewhat normal. To seem like the normal young adult doing normal young adult things, but it's harder than it seems. You make my life complicated. You make me feel like I need constant reassurance that everyone in my life still loves me for me and not because they pity me for having you. You have created a wall around me that prevents anything good from ever happening to block out the bad. I deal with you every day of my life. I am not the only one in this body. You are co-hosting inside of me. You control my brain and my heart. You get to make me feel like I'm about to die at any moment. My world has crumbled so many times because of you.

When I sing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson, that's my plea for you to let me go. I refuse to take chemicals that will alter my mindset. Honestly, I'm scared they'll take you away even though I despise you so much. I choose the alternative methods like lavender candles and chamomile tea. Yoga is my peacemaker and I meditate on God's word.

It's so easy to hear people say just trust God, but it's not as easy to do. Yes, I love God. Yes, I want His will to be done. Yes, I trust Him. As soon as I start trying to follow God and go with His plan, you decide to pull me back and strangle me. You bring bad memories to my mind and I can't handle it anymore.

I will give you a thank you for preparing me for the end before it's the end. I hate what you have done to me but I love you cause you've never left my side like so many others have. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Honey, that's you and me. We'll always be pals and I'll forever hate you.

Sincerely,

Your partner in mind.