I have always been the big kid. When I was born I was a healthy eight pounds eight ounces. I was nothing more than a bald, drooling blob. However, one thing I was at that point was happy. Unaware of the life draining road before me, I can only wish now that I had done it differently.
I have an eating disorder… there, I said it! The dirty words that no parent would want to hear. I mean could you imagine the loving bundle of joy that you have cared for, been there for and would do anything for paralyzed with the fear of eating too many calories or looking fat in a photo? It is difficult enough trying to explain how my mind sees the world, let alone to the people I love dearly.
Somehow I thought by writing this on the infamous world wide web that this would be easier… In middle school I was an awkward punk/scene wannabe, and being the “typical” american preteen, I wanted to be a part of the in-crowd. The western media ravages through the female mind like a wild animal preying on the imperfections. Being female in the modern world, you're socially required to "be, look, sound, dress and weigh" to a certain per se "perfect" existence. As a result of these social restrictions, my anxiety and depression grew though the years. I’ve gone through stages where I hate my body so much I don't even want to look in the mirrors. I have a battle within me, a battle that sometimes I feel like I cannot win. By the end of my high school career I fell into a deep depression. Depression is not an on/off setting, but like many aspects of mental health it comes in waves.
One of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders is that you have to look a certian way to actually have a problem. To the common eye I may not look like the typical subject
The compulsions are not something that I can control sometimes. I know its wrong, unhealthy, petrifying but regardless the compulsions to continue these horrible patterns of self hate/harm. I also refuse to hand off any "tips." Many people, even in today's western "accepting culture", rationalize eating concerns into just eat or just don't eat and honestly when people tel me that I die a little inside. If I had a penny for every time someone told me one of these very ill advised pearls of wisdom I would have more net worth than Bill Gates. However, I know that recovery is possible. If you are thinking while you're reading this that you or someone you know and love is struggling please seek help. The road to recovery is never an easy process; sometimes you take a giant leap forward and feel great, like you're on top of the world, but more often than not I find myself slowly inching towards the finish line
PSA: if you are an Appalachian State student the Health Service offers a wonderful program.
