A fly on the wall. It sits and lingers in one place, soon to feel bored or fed up with its position, so it flies away. As it buzzes around looking for a new platform, it gets swatted right back to the same wall. It’s the see all, hear all, know all one shadowed in the room. It’s the see all, hear all and know all victims. I know a victim of substance abuse, but she isn’t the abuser, she’s the fly, and she isn’t the only one out there. Often we hear substance abuse and think of distorted, sick, addicted, high, or drunk people. What about those who have to live with it? Why are we taught to avoid the usage of dangerous substances, but not taught how to deal with living as a fly on the wall?
Adjust your focus to the children and spouses of the abuser. These flies would be considered the micro-system, the individuals directly connected to, or living with the abuser. The micro-system is a part of the Bio ecological systems theory from the book “Substance Abuse and the Family” by Michael D. Reiter. This theory describes how a person can be impacted by those around him/her. Imagine a little girl who had to watch her mother become drunk every single night. Her mother may be the one swallowing these chemicals, but in reality the one consuming another is the alcohol. These doses of beer flooded her mother’s body every night, making her a little less of a mother with each ounce. What was once a parent’s responsibility became her own. This girl’s life as a fly is disrupting her childhood. Under their Substance Abuse: The Impact on Children and Families document, the Missouri State Training Program writes, “Due to the family’s secret, the child has less support for the stress of their increased responsibilities. “These kinds of children are more likely to grow being more worrisome in minor situations, lacking the ability to put trust in others, and carrying the burden of feeling the need to become a “superhuman.” An article from psychcentral.com explains that a person living with an alcoholic may come into contact with other physiological problems, such as obsessive-compulsive disorders. In other words, those who are close in contact with an alcoholic may become so used to dealing with a dysfunctional person that they become prone to always putting others’ needs ahead of their own to an unhealthy stand point, constantly ache for the approval of others, and generally seek codependent relationships. Besides having the scars of being swatted back to the wall, after trying to help a loved one under the influence, some flies are so used to seeing an abuser that addiction becomes all they know. They too will grab a bottle when they are stressed, sad, angry or confused. Statistics from Children of Alcoholics, by Mark S. Gold read that 25 percent of children of alcohol abusers become one as well.
On to the next level of the victims, there is the mesosystem. These people are the extended family members and close community members of the substance abuser. They aren’t in direct contact with the abuser, but they are dragged in, they are forced to know, and they become infuriated and worn down. Many are a fly of this kind. I personally see that those relating to the idea of having an extended acquaintance under the influence are less likely to become an addict. It doesn’t become all they know, but being around these abusers is a great enough distraction from peaceful, normal life that it’s an annoyance. It inspires those flies watching to promise to never let themselves get into these addictions. They get to see firsthand what substances have the ability to do.
This brings me to my last point. Many people get educated on the side effects of drinking too much, the 4,000 chemicals in a cigarette, and according to drugabuse.gov, the fact that 484 billion dollars is our nations annual substance abuse cost. We can be persuaded to join drug-free clubs and taught how to overcome addiction if we make the wrong choices––however, we are not taught how to overcome being a fly. We are the real victims of substance abuse. How do we handle someone else’s mistake without going through a downward spiral of our own? One of the biggest saviors of this problem is Al- Anon Family Groups. This is a group made for all of the people within relations of an addict, so they can share their stories, relieve their stresses and help each person remember that they are their own individual. Rob A of Al-Anon says, “I’ve heard so many stories of hope from people in situations like mine or even worse. I didn’t know if my wife’s drinking problem was really alcoholism. Turns out it didn’t matter. Al- Anon taught me to be responsible for my own life and my own feelings, not hers.” Over 130 countries have been brought into the Al-Anon program and professionals even recommend it.
Within our lives we can learn a lot of lessons just from being present. So when people learn that lying on the walls watching someone break with the pop of a bottle top, or hearing such disturbing situations over the phone makes them feel confused, or trapped, or angry, they should also learn that there is a way out. Al-Anon Family Groups is just one good cause reaching out there hand. Others’ abuse doesn’t have to abuse us if we don’t let it. When we are taught to avoid these substances, we may not be taught how to deal with being a fly on the wall, but don’t take the swat. Keep crawling until a window is found, and know that there are thousands of other flies aching to escape, too.
