Oh the first year of marriage. What some told us would be the most grueling, exhausting, tense year of our lives was spent in total bliss. Amongst the ups and downs that befall all newlyweds, we are just grateful to be together.
Yes, we hit some snags. Of course, we met some total impasses, but the work we put into our relationship during dating and engagement, and the mentors we elected to help us wade through the stormy seas of conflict paid dividends in this first year of marriage.
Looking back, these are the top lessons we both believe made us better partners and strengthened our relationship. The best part? We passed go on the all the cliche stuff and promised just to give you the goods. Things you might not have ever considered or things that will supremely move the needle in how you relate to one another.
You in? Let's do this thing!
PS. You don't have to be married for this advice to improve your relationship so be sure to share with your significant other or a friend!
Learn How to Tactfully and Respectfully Insist on Things that are Important to You
Growing up as the youngest of four kids, I learned how to be a champion stuffer. I could earn a gold medal for the thoughts and feelings I keep buried away in my heart and mind, but you can probably guess that this quality of mine is a real relationship wrecker.
In order to prevent bitterness from taking root in our marriage, I have had to learn to unearth the stuff hidden in my heart that is REALLY important to me. Rather than stuff away the hopes, dreams, desires, and plans that don't really jive with my husband's ideals, I have had to work really hard to make it a point to keep bringing those things up.
We pretty routinely set up coffee dates with the goal of intentional conversation, or we carve out time in the week to sit and talk over things that have been on our hearts and minds. It is during these times that I muster up my courage and unleash of the hopes and dreams I've kept locked away in my heart. Things that have been locked away because my husband didn't initially respond positively to them. Topics that are burning a hole in my heart. Subject matter that sparked a feud in the past.
I often remind my readers that you can find my husband and I crying in a local coffee shop on Sundays. That's because I have to dredge up things I've buried away. If I don't talk about things that I want to pursue but my husband doesn't agree with, I run the risk of embedding bitterness in our marriage. And I'm sure you know how damaging bitterness is to any relationship!
So to any of you who have a tough time bringing up things that are important to you to your significant other, I would personally like to encourage you to resist the urge to stuff your feelings, desires, and dreams away. If its really important to you find an appropriate time, place, and tone to share your buried treasure with the one who vowed to care for you most. It might be difficult at first, but it gets easier with time and your relationship will be so much better for it!
Bottom line, continue the conversation about things that are important to you even when it is difficult to do so.
Always See Your Spouse as Your Teammate, Never Your Opponent
I'm fairly certain this is a slice of conflict advice that we inherited from our pre-marital mentors (shout out to Michael and Christine). Along the lines of our tidbit from above, this has been helpful in improving how my husband and I navigate conflict.
Early on when our fights escalated I remember reaching out to our mentors and confessing that I wished my husband could just see my side of things. Both of us were being stubborn and we felt more life enemies that allies journeying towards a common goal. In those times I felt like my husband was a barrier to my potential, a hindrance in the pursuit of my dreams, and even, at times, the roadblock to my calling.
In order to surpass these feelings of being wronged by the person I loved the most, I had to start seeing my husband as my teammate in every situation. Our mentors encouraged us to appreciate each other's gifts and strengths when we experience conflict. We can see things that the other can't. Each of us has background knowledge and reference points that the other lacks. Learn to use those to the advantage of the relationship, not the individual scoreboard.
Bottom line, always remember that you are teams on the playing field of life. Never opponents. You married with a common goal: to love each other well.
Be Careful What You Say About Your Spouse and Who You Say it to
After all the excitement of your wedding day has surpassed your friends and family will be dying to know all the details of newlywed bliss. They will want to know about your home, your fights, your routine, your annoyances, and if you're not careful some of these topics will reveal more about your spouse than you intended.
You might get carried away with a story and reveal a not so flattering habit. or you might genuinely be craving a good gossip sess with your gal pals. Whatever the reason for speaking about your spouse, I can not stress enough how important it is to guard your tongue! The things you say about your spouse create an impression in the recipient of your speech. This impression cannot be taken back.
A good rule of thumb is to monitor the way you talk by asking yourself would I say this if he/she was in the room right now? If the answer if "no" steer clear of that subject. And if you do commit a slip of the tongue while talking about your marriage, it is SUPER important to ask for forgiveness. You never know when that unflattering fact you shared will come back to haunt you.
Bottom line, guard your tongue carefully ESPECIALLY when talking about your spouse.
It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say it
"Don't should on me" has become a coined phrase in our home. Read that again.
Our verbage, tone, and attitude all have a direct effect on the person we are speaking to. If I tell my husband that he should take out the trash, he is probably less inclined to carry out that task than if I were to ask him if he would mind taking out the trash.
See how different the two are? One is a statement. The other a polite request.
Furthermore, during conflict, I could take sneering jabs at my spouse or, I could calmy, and collected state my case. When was the last time you said something out of anger or malice that was received well? Our words are often more inflammatory than we realize.
Bottom line, simply paying attention to what you say, and how you say it can totally change the game in your daily interactions and conflicts!
Put Time and Space Between What You Think and When You Say it
You caught us, this is more borrowed wisdom from our beloved marriage mentors, too.
Similar to the point of above, (are you sensing a theme of communication yet?) but different in the effects it will have.
This little tidbit has saved my tender feelings more times than I can count. I am an intense personality so others tend to assume I can handle harsh words well. Wrong. That assumption about my pain tolerance when it comes to cutting words is SO wrong. My husband had to learn this one the hard way. He has since mastered the art of biting his tongue but I, myself, have a ways to go on this one.
Bottom line, don't impulsively respond.
Enjoy Being in the Moment
This is solely my husband's addition to the list.
He thought it important to remind you all that sometimes its okay to snuggle on a Sunday afternoon with no agenda. No social media, no TV, no plans or expectations, just solid time with your favorite person!
My husband measures his days by how much he gets done. Enacting our lazy Sunday policy was a bit foreign to him at first. Now as two working professional during the week we both have a lot more appreciation for simple time spent in one another's company.
