To be honest, this article has been something I have had a hard time to write correctly. I think it’s because of how much the topic means to me and how long it took myself to understand it. This has been something I have been wanting to address since I started writing for Odyssey, but never found the right words to articulate it. I still don’t think I’ve really done the topic the justice like I wanted to. However, hopefully, the ideas still connect with all of you who have experienced your first love and your first heartbreak.

Your first love.

It could have been someone you met in high school in 2nd-period Chemistry. It could be someone you ran into during your Freshman orientation of college. Honestly, it could be someone you met in the sandpit in 1st grade during recess.

Your first love is someone that comes into your life when the timing feels right.

There are so many memories connected with this person. For my first love, there are so many things today that remind me of him. I met him in middle school, and whenever I am home I remember all of the different adventures we had in our hometown. I remember hanging out with our group of friends and doing stupid things at the mall because we thought we were "cool". I remember hanging out at the local beach and walking ridiculous amounts of miles to get places because we didn’t have cars at the time.

I remember the summer when we realized we liked each other. I was oblivious, naive, and didn’t know how relationships worked beside the rom-com movies I binged watched late at night.

I remember having our first kiss in the middle of the night on our high school football field.

I remember sneaking out of the house because all I wanted to do was to be with him.

I remember spending hours just laying in his bed talking about our fears and our dreams and how we thought the world worked.

He wasn’t something I needed, however, he was something I wanted. I didn’t need to have this boy in my life to be happy, but the happiness he brought me was something I would never forget.

Personally, for me, it is hard to open myself up to people. Life up to this point had been rough and I never knew how to express the hurt I had within myself. I taught myself to never cry because it was a sign of weakness. I was known to be this cheerful and happy girl 24/7. I didn’t want anyone to know how sad really was inside. He made me feel safe. He taught me that it was OK to cry. That it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. I was strong for being true to my own emotions.

I was able to show him a side of me that I couldn’t show anyone else and to be honest, to this day he is still the only person that has seen it. These days I’m too scared to show that side of myself to people because it makes it even harder to watch them leave.

Sometimes your first love is also someone that leaves when you think the timing is off.

It felt like we were cut short. Our relationship started out innocent and pure, however, by the end it fell apart. I remember breaking down and crying every day. I remember late nights driving to each other’s houses to resolve one of the many fights we found ourselves in. I remember the lies. I remember the breakup.

Sometimes your first love isn't the one, and that's OK.

It took me a lot to realize this. I thought I was a failure and I blamed everything on myself. Maybe if I put in more effort this would have never happened. Maybe if I didn’t take anything for granted, if I was prettier, or if I was happier it could've worked.

However, a relationship is a two-way street. Both people have to put enough effort to keep it alive, and near the end, it felt as if we both gave as much as we could with no success.

It was like trying to keep a fire alive during a storm.

There were too many problems with it. No matter how hard we tried it kept burning out. There was no flame to rekindle anymore.

Even so, we kept trying. However, it always ended with one of us getting hurt. We were trying to live off of a memory. We thought we would grow up together, but we were growing apart instead.

Your first love is someone that comes into your life when you think the timing feels right. Sometimes your first love is also someone that leaves when you think the timing is off.

After all of these years, I’ve realized that the timing wasn’t off. That falling apart was bound to happen. We weren’t supposed to work no matter how badly we wanted to. Who we are now has been shaped by the lessons we learned from each other. Maybe as we are traveling down this path, our lives will cross again. However, as of right now, we are just a lesson in each other’s lives.

Sometimes your first love isn't the one, and that is OK.

Each relationship you are in is a lesson in itself, and I think there is a lot to learn in your first love. They are the one who helps shape the future relationships you are in. Even if it may have grown toxic, you learn about the kind of relationship you do deserve.

I still find pieces of him wherever I go. When I pass by the old park we used to have late night conversations in. Any blue, LED lights because he had them strung up all throughout his bedroom. I still can’t manage to listen to our song pass the first chorus before changing it.

Even though it hurts still, I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the happy memories. I am grateful for the lessons. I am grateful that he taught me how to grow. He taught me it was OK to cry and to be weak. I am happy for all of the hurt I went through because it made me stronger.

Your first love feels like a part of you, and when they leave it feels like a part of you is missing as well. I tried filling this void with anything I could. Random strangers I met at parties, people who didn’t know my name, even late nights writing poetry.

It took me a couple of years to be able to fill it again and it wasn't with a new relationship, but with myself.

I didn’t think I could find myself again. I thought I had lost that part forever. However, you can’t lose yourself so easily. Life keeps moving, and you do too. People keep changing, and you do too. I’ve grown so much since that summer we fell in love four years ago.

I am not someone that runs away from my feelings anymore.

I am not someone who blames others for my own mistakes anymore.

I am not someone who can break down easily anymore.

I saw my first love recently. We talked and spent the night together. I realized that he will be someone I can never forget. I will always love the memory of him. He still has a part of me, however, I do not need that back anymore. I have already filled the void. I have already healed.

People grow. I have grown, and he has too. We are different now, and to be honest, he isn’t the person I recognize from my memories anymore. He will always be someone that means the world to me. He will always be someone that I will put my own needs aside for. If he ever showed up to my house in the pouring rain, I would be happy to welcome him with open arms.

I’ve realized he is not the person I fell in love with years ago, and that is OK. I am not the person he fell in love with anymore either.

Sometimes your first love isn't the one, and that is OK.