There are no words to explain what it feels like to lose a loved one. It is the kind of earth shattering pain in your heart that words literally can not do justice. It's painful to watch them suffer and even worse after they're gone and no amount of "they're in a better place now"s can make that feeling go away.
When I lost my beloved grandmother over the summer I had no idea the kind of impact it would have on my day-to-day life. We were extremely close and I talked to her several times a week over the phone for years, even more so over the past three or four. Even though I was lucky enough to have said goodbye and knew it was coming, I still remember my stomach dropping to my feet when we finally got the call. She was gone. There was nothing that could bring her back. That was it.
I had never experienced losing someone close to me before and I went through the process of grieving pretty normally. I wasn't in denial, I wasn't really even angry. It sucked, but it happens to everyone. I was mostly just sad.
I think about and miss my grandmother every single day. I yearn to call her up and tell her about all the wonderful things that have happened since she passed. Started college, doing well in my classes, making new friends, etc. She was my biggest supporter and my number one fan and nothing gave her more joy than to hear about the successes of her kids, grandkids or any one of our extended family members.
Even though a significant light in our lives has been dimmed, we moved on. You have to. Death is part of life and she had a long and great one. So as she so often reminded us all to "stop that damn crying" I did. I stopped crying and I went on with my life.
But nothing could prepare me for the pain that resurfaced when my first Thanksgiving without her came and went.
Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely love Thanksgiving. Everyone from both sides of my family, gather to eat bomb ass food (mashed potatoes, uh, yes please), until everyone is so full and exhausted they can't move. This year, because I was coming home from school for break, I was even more excited than usual. And although I had a fantastic day full of love, laughter, and celebration, her absence was felt and it was felt hard. I found myself having to excuse myself throughout the day to be alone and cry a bit.
As we now get into the full swing of the holiday season I can't anticipate the knot in my stomach will disappear anytime soon. The holidays were her absolute favorite and Christmas was another very special time for our family. Hectic schedules full of school, sports, work and commitments were pushed aside to spend time with each other. She loved to buy and give gifts more than anyone I've ever met. When she was in her more mobile years, shopping was her thing. And shopping for others was her THING. So it's safe to say Christmas without her will undoubtedly be equally difficult as Thanksgiving for me and my family. Her absence will again be felt around the table as it will be for many years to come.
During the time of year where family is most emphasized, it can be hard for those that lost a loved one, especially if it's recent. Although it's tempting to give in to the sadness and be alone to lick the wounds that may be opened, the holidays are a time to appreciate who and what we do have. It sounds cliche but seriously be present. As I gobbled down my turkey and scooped waaay too much stuffing onto my plate I couldn't help but look around at the people I was with and smile. Of course, I wished my grandmother could be there with us like she was last year but there was so much in the to be thankful for now. Although our table was missing some familiar faces, there were new people that joined us too that I was thrilled to be with. \
It's easy to let the holidays overwhelm you when you're missing someone. Take the time to miss them and take the time to reflect back on the happy memories you shared. But don't lose sight of the wonderful people you still have in your life and enjoy every single second of time you have with them. Instead of hiding away in the basement, entertain everyone with stories about how great school is going this semester (even if its for the hundreth time). Instead of rolling your eyes, patiently remind your aunts and uncles that no you aren't dating anyone at the moment. Instead of complaining about how hungry you are, offer to help in the kitchen so your parents can sit down and enjoy the day too. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, say a prayer or save a thought for others that may be struggling with loss this holiday season. There is so much to be grateful for during this time of the year, it'd be a shame to miss it because you're living in the past.
