If I had to thank my eating disorder for anything it would be for the people it has brought into my life and the self-discovery that came along with the process. However, it brought me these things once I started my recovery journey. I met so many amazing people and learned so many things about myself that I didn’t know before. On the other hand, the worst parts of my eating disorder actually tore everyone and everything I loved away from me. I guess I should be thanking recovery for all of the things that made me feel whole again. But what is recovery? I can tell you from personal experience that it’s definitely not waking up every day and eating three meals and three snacks and moving on with your life. The process is actual hell. Why in the world would anyone put themselves through the hell of recovery if they were (and I quote) “coping perfectly fine with an eating disorder.” Well, the thousands of the possible answers to that question, and I’ll talk about some of them, can be narrowed down to three words: recovery is better.
Recovery is a process. It’s probably more painful emotionally (and physically with re-feeding) than anything I experienced when I was at my sickest with my eating disorder. I wouldn’t (and still sometimes don’t) admit that my eating disorder is at all a problem. I don’t look at recovery as a destination. I know I'm still struggling in some ways, and that is okay. I can learn to accept that it isn't as easy as going into an auto body shop and leaving with a completely fixed car. I try to not expect myself to every be fully “recovered.” I expect that someday I will find myself at a point where I wake up every day and choose recovery over my eating disorder behaviors over and over again. Somedays that could mean making a big life decision such as deciding if a job or a relationship is healthy or not, and other days it could mean eating a snack when every part of me wants to restrict or purge. Some people may find “recovered,” and that’s okay. I just personally look at it differently. I hope that recovery will be a time when the scale will no longer dictate if I am a good or bad human being, or to tell me what I can or cannot eat that day. A slate of glass will not hold that power over me anymore. It will be a time when I am able to eat something just because I like the food, not because it’s on my meal plan. I won’t feel guilt over food anymore. It'll be a time that I can be okay with what I see in the mirror. I won't have to wake up an hour earlier because I anticipate that getting dressed will turn into a meltdown followed by behaviors.
Through being in treatment in recovery, I learned I loved to write and felt like I was good at it. I found my love of art and went back to dance and found my dreams of wanting to help others by sharing these things that helped me through my hardest times. I started reading and exploring nature more. My brain is beginning to be clearer, and I find and research things I'm interested in. I thought I wanted to be a teacher, but I found my passion elsewhere. I was in a serious relationship, and through recovery I began to respect myself enough to know it was time to walk away. I distanced myself from some friendships, and I started to see others' bloom. My family can be one of my biggest triggers, and I've learned when I can or cannot handle it. Somedays I know that I can go to them for support. Most days, that's too difficult, so I decide to do something that I need. Even if it's to crawl in bed and watch Netflix or to get that support from a friend or treatment team member instead. I left an unhealthy job, and now I work in the most supportive work environment. Sometimes the hardest moments of our life can be the road to the best.
I was convinced I couldn’t be sick enough to recover until my weight was dangerously low. Being called “sick” by my doctors meant I was winning. Well, my ED was winning. The worse I felt (the lower my BP was, and the higher my pulse) was an indicator that I was doing well. Actually meaning that I’m doing well at my eating disorder. Realistically, I felt (and feel at times) awful. I’m exhausted and weak and nauseous and sometimes working a four-hour shift takes all my energy. But. My ED didn’t care. Work more. Eat less. Hide from family more. These were the things I obeyed for so long. Recovery means breaking the rules sometimes. Sometimes we have to disobey our eating disorders and listen to our loved ones and our teams that we need to be in treatment. That requires a lot of trust. This is hard when you hear so many voices (your own and loved ones) saying that you don't treatment. Listen, you do you. You do know what you need. Dig far down and find it.
Eventually, you have to decide that recovery needs to come first if you want to have a life that you can be an active participant in. Over school, over work, and sometimes even over relationships with significant others, friends, and family. You have to dedicate yourself to it and do all of it 100 percent, even the hardest parts. It doesn’t mean you never have bad days, it simply means you continue on despite them. It’s a roller coaster ride. It’s not going to be easy. You may not have the support you need, but hug yourself and give yourself the comfort you need. Believe me when I say there're better things on the other side of this. I do have to say, though, you’ll come out of it a completely different person, and if you dig deep enough, you’ll find things out about yourself you never thought were possible. I believe that everyone deserves the chance to feel the overwhelming, amazing, and eye-opening experiences that come along with recovery. I hold so much hope for anyone struggling once they've made the difficult decision to choose recovery.
