"Oh, I don't want to bother him," I told my mom, "He's probably busy and I'm not his girlfriend, so I shouldn't nag him." My mom looked at me straight in the eye and said, "You're a human being and should be respected as one." My mom’s words slowly changed how I viewed my relationships, not just with potential boyfriends, but with friends and family as well.
The "I'm not his girlfriend" issue
Shortly after high school I developed some confidence and my dating life seemed to pick up a bit. I was meeting nice guys through friends, at social places and in class. I thought that this was how dating was supposed to work in your late teens and early twenties. However, a reoccurring issue kept stumping me after a few weeks of talking to a guy. They never seemed interested in committing to more than just "seeing one another," I've now deemed that just code for really great friends, with benefits. More disheartening was that these guys would go "ghost" on me, meaning I would go long periods without hearing from them. Since I wasn't technically their girlfriend, a title I was often so desperate for, I felt I should play the cool chick and leave them alone—they know my number and where to find me. It was at this point that the conversation with my mom changed my view on these matters. I realized that human decency would suggest some kind of communication when possible. Even a quick, "Hey, I'm busy, but can talk this weekend." Or get to the point, "I'm not interested." But falling of the face of the earth just left this girl with too many questions and a lot of self-doubt.
I'm a people pleaser and just wanted these guys to like me, even if it meant giving them all the space in the world. The conversation with my mom made me realize my worth and that by not standing up for myself I was losing myself. The same can be translated to other relationships (hence the title).
Friends
Friends are some of the greatest gifts bestowed upon someone. They are there for you during your darkest hours, even if that's consoling you after a bad grade or when your parents are being completely ridiculous about a generational thing they'll never understand. Your friends often just get it. Friends know what candy to buy you and when to take a side or tell you straight up you're being cray. However, friends can also have their downside. Sometimes a great group of friends wants all your time or one individual is going through a rough period, bringing all that drama to the group. Drama can bring anxiety and uncertainty to even the strongest of friends. Over the years I was so keen on being the very best friend I was often spreading myself thin; trying to be everywhere at once, that I wasn't even being a good friend. I made dates and broke them. Told white lies to accommodate others and sometimes just when complete radio silence because I couldn't handle it.
What I later realized, a thought seeded by the wisdom of my late mom, was that I'm a human, which also means I make mistakes. I don't have to be the perfect friend, but as long as I keep trying to be a damn good one those actions will show. It also meant that I needed to put healthy, honest boundaries in place with my friends. I can't go to every event. Between family, social groups and significant others my calendar does fill up. So I had to be straight with my friends and sometimes say no, not because I don't love them, but because I just have other plans—and that's ok! That's normal. "Can't come to this one its grannies birthday, but I'm at the next one!" Or whatever. I found I received more understanding and respect when I was to the point with my friends, then when I tried to dangling people pleasing "maybes" in front of their face.
Family
Oh family! We can't choose them, they may drive us crazy, but at the end of the day they are our blood and we love them! Finding balance in my relationships with my family members, I have a feeling, will be on ongoing process. I was raised with the notion that family makes you rich even if the bank account begs to differ. Family means everything to me, especially now after losing my mom over four years ago. I was in my early twenties hoping to venture off on that college experience, yet life had other plans for me. I stepped up, grateful that I could and had the trust of my family to do so, and stayed home to help. I did a great deal of growing up over those years. I also kept my family very close. When you lose a parent or any immediate family member your bubble bursts. The old saying "That will never happen to us," disappears and you look at your shrinking family and say, "It happened and could happen again." Because of this philosophy I built up, creating boundaries with my family was hard. I had a life to live. Not to say my dad or brothers were keeping me from doing any living, I just had a sense of responsibility and need. I realized that it was only up to me to create and act on the boundaries I need. So after the family got back on their feet I slowly started to create boundaries. I went out with friends till late, focused on college and even said no to things such a driving my brother somewhere. This may sound harsh, but there were times when I knew I needed to be wherever I was. I had to stop dropping everything because I felt like I had to. The moment I texted my first "no" my first boundary was put down. From there on out I realized that no one was going to damn me for not being of constant service or availability. Of course if I was free and able I'd always be more than happy to pick up my brother. Now he has my old silver Chevy and we don't have to worry about those issues anymore!
Finding your voice in any relationship can be a difficult ever changing process. As much of a challenge as finding your voice may appear, it's more important to find your place and voice your needs than being lost in a world of "Yes" and "Of course." Remember that you, like me, are a human being. You have rights, deserve respect and make mistakes. Making those healthy choices and being vocal will ultimately lead to a healthier you and healthier relationship.
