Finding me and who I truly am was hard. Relationship after relationship I drowned myself into trying to be the perfect woman for who I was with. Until I realized that I was obsessed with it, and clearly not doing a good job. I was called names from stuck up, to overdramatic when I was fed up or felt unappreciated. I blamed them for not seeing what I was doing for them, when all along they couldn't see it because they thought I was being me.

I was the blame for my unhappiness, and I didn't want to accept it.

In life, you cannot be mad at someone who truly doesn't know you because you don't allow them to. That's a mouthful, right? I was so caught up in being perfect for someone else when I wasn't being perfect for me. What did I want? What would make me happy?

After my last big breakup, I decided to wait and not date anyone. That idea lasted a few months before I started meeting other people. I vowed to be myself and not care if anyone liked me or not. Then it happened, I was myself and someone I liked, didn't like me. At least not in the way I liked them. I was heartbroken, or so I thought I was. I made a fool of myself vowing my love for someone I didn't really know because I was confident in being me, and I couldn't imagine them not liking me.

In other words, I was a mess. I wanted to write them off. So I did. I friend zoned them and met someone else. I knew even more what I wanted and who I was, and this person did not fit the bill. But I was determined to make it work. Meaning I tried to force it. It was a disaster, and the end was worse than any breakup I have ever had, and we only dated for a week.

See my problem was I was putting myself out there before I truly knew who I was and what I really wanted. You cannot do that to yourself. I told myself off, I mean I let myself have it. Because here I was putting myself in worse situations because I finally was being myself and I felt like these people should be honored. Boy, I was cocky, and I was wrong.

I needed a reality check and fast. After that one, I stopped any mere thought of dating. I backslid every once and a while and got caught up in the thought of being with my ex, but I know that the person I am now could not be with the person they are. We are not compatible no matter how much I think we should be.

I need time. I am dating myself, enjoying quiet evenings at home with my computer and Netflix, or enjoying my kids. I am making every decision that I want to make and seeing and doing the things that make me happy, and at the end of the day, I sleep very well in the middle of my queen size bed.

I love me and it took heartbreak and hitting the bottom to find it, but I know when I meet the one for me, I will be ready because I will be presenting the best parts of me and not what they want me to be.