I believe in true love. There is someone that will make me wonder why I ever settled for anyone else. There is someone who will be able to understand my quirks. There is someone who will think I’m beautiful when I wake up in the mornings. There is someone who will fight for me, close or afar, and never leave. There is someone I will share a connection with, bound by love.
But, not today.
I don’t need someone to be “my rock.” I don’t need someone to be “my other half.” I don’t need someone “I couldn’t imagine my life without.” I don’t need someone who understands me better than I understand myself.
I need to feel whole. I need to be my own rock. I need to understand myself better than anyone else can. I don’t want to wake up when I’m fifty years old hating myself for not following my dreams.
That’s why I don’t want to find the person I will love forever today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.
I would be lying if I said I haven’t been that girl that depended on a guy to make me happy. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been the girl who wanted assurance and a promised future, just because I was comfortable. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had someone that I couldn’t picture my life without. Too many people find themselves in this position, and as a 20 something year old, it is self-destructing.
Before I enter into any serious relationship, I need to feel like I’m complete. And I need to be able to feel complete, while completely alone.
There is nothing holding me back from where I want to take my life. I can make plans. I can travel. I can move, go anywhere in the world, and accept an offer for my dream job. I can follow any road I want, the detour, or the by-pass – just because I can.
I have dreams. I’m not ready to alter them for someone else.
I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m realizing what I want to be. I dream of being happy, and successful, and satisfied without the demand for my “better half.” I am not a half. My happiness, after all, is important. Before I realized my worth, I believed putting someone else’s happiness above mine was what life was all about- but if someone truly loves you, will they require so much sacrifice from you? No. I have to be confident that I can be happy alone before I have the capacity to be happy with someone else.
There are many people, my parents included, who married young and have had very successful relationships. I admire them for that. They are independent people who happened to find the love of their life at a young age. They knew how to be a complete person and also someone by their side. They’re a rare, precious kind. But, I’m not wired like that. I need to imagine my own life. I need to sail across life’s sea of disappointments and possibilities.
I need to know I can do this ‘life’ thing alone, even when someone else decides to join me on the journey.
I will be able to imagine my life without him. I will know I can survive, because I’ve already come this far alone.
I can’t wait until someone comes along that challenges me, supports me, and understands me even when I’m having a weird day. I can’t wait to have someone in my life that fights for me, but isn’t strong for me. I can’t wait to have someone I can prove my love to for the rest of my life.
I’m 19. I have too many songs to sing and too many adventures to embark on before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the one my soul loves.
That day will come. Just not today.
