I finally finished "13 Reasons Why." If you’ve seen the show or read the book, you know what that means. Intensity. There are so many thoughts that rushed through my head once the credits rolled and most of them actually didn’t involve any characters from the show. The most prominent of which was, "who’s tape could I be on?" Tapes are strictly metaphorical because I don’t know anybody who in death would copy a pop culture phenomenon, as horrible as that sounds, and I hope I don’t know anyone who is so miserable and feels so hopeless to take their own life. But that's the unfortunate part of the human condition: we’re capable of anything.
My first thought was could I be on anyone's tapes, then I realized that was a stupid question and what I should be asking is who’s tapes would I be on. No one who has really lived hasn’t upset someone or done something unconsciously selfish. I like to think I am a generally good person, I’m sure plenty would disagree (especially a certain someone who texted me about one of my last articles without actually reading it, or maybe he did and didn’t understand it. I’m sure I’d be on his tapes). It’s really uncomfortable to think about what would happen if someone you love and care about, or someone you just know in passing, killed themselves. It feels like a crime within itself, like when a relative is dying and the thought passes that they might actually die. I don’t personally know what it’s like to wish anyone death, I don’t want to think about if I have done anything that made someone want to hurt themselves, but to be a good person I need to.
I rarely do anything for the sole purpose of being petty, let alone to hurt someone, but that's my perspective. I cannot fully grasp how my actions affect other people. I can try. I’m not perfect. I got a text message from a friend earlier this week trying to fix a wrong I had done so many months prior. I so badly wanted to write back right away, for her and my mental well being. But instead, I stared at her text for an hour and a half waiting for a sudden epiphany. For me, that was a moment of weakness, a cowardly way to avoid immediate conflict. I have no idea what that wait was like for her, one of my closest friends reaching out and me ignoring her. Could that make me a tape? A reason for sadness? She'd be on mine the same way Clay was on Hannah's. I don't know how to handle heartbreak, so when she cracked my heart, I shattered her's. I was angry, I was sad, I hated myself. It took me an hour and a half to text back ‘sure’.
I’ve seen so many posts on the internet about this TV show, it’s a global sensation. It opened a very important conversation about mental illness and what the warning sides can be. So many people suffer from a mental illness that it's easy to forget when you’re talking one person off the ledge, that another may be sneaking up behind you. Spoiler alert: I bet you didn’t think it would be Alex did you?
What can I do about the world falling apart, where every action I seem to do causes so much inconvenience, pain or suffering. Where I can’t even begin to stitch up the world when the ends are frayed and the fabrics clinging together for dear life? Any suggestions?
