From a young age, I remember never really being popular in school. I was never skinny or pretty or wore the most popular brands. I remember how much that always affected me, even as early as kindergarten. I remember being so sad when the popular girls would just walk away when I asked them if they wanted to play on the playground. Even in kindergarten, kids are mean.
I know that these things were affecting more than just my mood; from the start, the way those girls always treated me made me feel terrible about myself. I was never satisfied with myself or what I was wearing, or who I was hanging out with. I didn't like my "friends," but I was socially forced into a circle because I didn't fit anywhere else. To be honest, I didn't really fit anywhere. And that bothered me, a lot.
As I got older, I tried to change things about myself in an attempt to make people, myself included, like me more. I dyed my hair, I tried basketball and cheerleading, and nothing seemed to work. I hated the fact that my hair was dirty blonde, that I had weird brown eyes, and that I was a size 12. I'd do stupid things like cut all my hair off to be all badass and then end up hating the short hair even more. It was hard to go to school knowing I wasn't important to anyone there, and that I'd just feel worse about myself at the end of every day.
I think I really started to get over it my senior year of high school. I didn't care what other people thought of me by then, because I had other plans. I had a long-term boyfriend who loved me, and I was finally getting out of that stupid small town and going to college. I was actually going to do something with my life, unlike a lot of people there. I didn't hate school so much because my brother and I had the same lunch and so we hung out and I didn't have to sit alone (yeah, I'm that girl, and I'm not ashamed). Once I wasn't forcing myself to be with people who were mean to me, it helped a lot. That's when I stopped letting other people decide how I felt about myself.
College came, and that's when I really started to love myself: not just feel okay, not just like. I kind of gave up on ever being thin; I just don't think I was built to be a size 4, and I'm fine with that now. I'm not unhealthy or obese. And sure, there are parts about myself I don't like very much, but I think that happens to everyone. As a whole, I think I'm pretty cool. That stuff that made me uncool in high school, like spending extra time on homework and not going out on the weekends and being an officer in the Art Club? That's the stuff that makes me successful and noticeable now. My dad always told me that would happen, but emotional, 15-year-old me never believed him. I should have.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is it's never too late to start thinking you're cool as shit. It's really good for your health, and people notice when you're happy. Furthermore, there are people out there that appreciate that you are uniquely you, and that you don't put on a face to please others. The most important thing, in my opinion, is making sure you're happy with yourself first. If anyone else doesn't like you for that, then you don't need them anyway.
