I’m Finally Not Afraid To Say It—I Don’t Like You

I’m Finally Not Afraid To Say It—I Don’t Like You

I used to worry that disliking you reflected badly on me.

“You can’t be friends with everyone.” I recently heard this advice from a friend of mine, to whom I vented about issues I’d been having with other friends. It may seem really obvious, but it’s a fact that I, apparently, up until this point, have always struggled to accept.

I’ve always been taught throughout my entire life to love all people. To be kind and friendly, and to try and get along with everyone. Now, at 20, this is simply the standard I hold myself to. I always try to look for the good in people and not judge them—because how can I expect others to see me in a good light if I can’t do the same for them, right?

The way people see me has always been important to me—much more important than it should be at this age. Unhealthily so. I’m very insecure. I often have a pretty negative perception of myself. I struggle with anxiety and self-esteem issues. And like other people who deal with these issues, I live with a highly critical voice in my head that is often very mean and unfair. People without this voice in their head cannot possibly imagine how difficult it is for those who do have it to block it out. It is the narrator of the inferiority complex. That voice can make it very hard to have relationships, romantic or platonic.

I’m a terrible over-thinker. It usually takes me a really long time to decide how I feel about a person—and believe me when I say it, I stress over it big-time. (As if stressing about what other people think of me wasn’t enough.) I don’t want to dislike anyone, because in my mind, disliking someone means deeming their flaws more intolerable than mine—and that just can’t be true, since I’m the most intolerable person I know. I must just be plain wrong. It must be me, not them. That voice in my head almost doesn’t allow me to think negatively of others, because it tells me I don’t have the right to. I have to convince myself that they’re worse than they actually are in order to justify my feelings toward them.

So when your personality did a complete 180 and I started to notice myself not feeling as fond of you as I once did, my mind fought that feeling hard. It didn’t help that you seemed to be moving toward the leader position, becoming the one who called all the shots. It didn’t help that I felt as if I had to like you in order to have any worth in your group. At the time, trusting myself and embracing what my gut was telling me felt scary. At the time, I worried that disliking you reflected badly on me.

But now I’m not worrying about that anymore. Now I’m not trying to justify anything anymore, to anyone. I am starting to realize that I do have the right to a negative opinion of you. I am now able to simply and guiltlessly say that as much as I wish I did, I don’t like you.

It may seem like such a simple statement, one that shouldn’t require some long, detailed thought process. But for someone like me, to be able to say that, to admit and acknowledge that, is very freeing. I’m handing power back to myself, and giving myself the fairness and respect I deserve by doing so. I don’t like your judgment and your scrutiny, I don’t like how you act as if your word is law. I don’t like the way you stick your nose in everyone’s business and I hate how immature you are. You’re two-faced and cowardly, and you don’t know how to deal with problems like an adult. I can’t trust you.

You are definitely, without a doubt, one of those people I cannot be friends with, and I’m finally okay with that. I finally realize that doesn’t make me hypocritical and it doesn’t say anything bad about me. It makes me someone who’s finally learning how to look out for number one.

Cover Image Credit: Quotefancy

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I Drifted But Now I'm Reaching Out

I'm not going to isolate myself anymore.

I’ve noticed that since I started college, I dropped a lot of habits. Some were habits that I really needed to get rid of, such as picking at my nails and snacking way too much. Other habits, though, I really shouldn’t have dropped. Maybe I just got too busy or lazy, or maybe it was just something for the high school me. Yeah, I’ve changed a lot in college but I’m going to try and get back into the good habits I had.

College gave me a lot of time. Suddenly I had all this free time and I realized that it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do with it. The freedom is really great, I won’t deny that, but what I noticed was that I found myself alone a lot.

Maybe it was my intention that some days I just wanted some alone time, but more often than not I found myself realizing that I hadn’t seen or talked to friends in a while. I realized I wasn’t hanging out with people anymore. I was alone.

Now, I know the importance of myself reaching out. Before I always worried that there was a reason I wasn’t seeing or talking to people as often, I mean, there was school so maybe everyone was just busy.

But I feared that I was missing out on so much was because I was unwanted in those moments. After gaining confidence, I've decided won’t isolate myself anymore. I’m an outgoing person, but I won’t be selectively outgoing anymore.

In high school, I could barely go two classrooms down without seeing someone and stopping to talk to them, and I want college to be the same way. It’s really impossible to know everyone at your college but reaching out isn’t that hard for me to do, I’ve just been lazy. I haven’t put in as much effort as I should be putting in and I know that if I want to keep some of the amazing friendships that I currently have, I need to not be distant.

It’s easy to drift away when emotions and events start piling up. Sometimes, the only thing I want to do is just lay in bed and not think about my to-do lists and schedules and problems that I have.

Once I start doing that though, I get sucked in and it becomes so hard to get the energy to get up and move. I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I don’t want to hide away with the “what ifs” and speculation as to why I didn’t go or get invited. From now on, I’m just going to go, and then see what happens.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To My Best Friends, Thank You

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

I have gone through many friends in the past few years, some that lasted a while some that only lasted a few months, but you know exactly when you found your perfect person, soulmate, best friend, the one that will never get away. It’s the friends that stick with you through the toughest times and stay.

The ones you call at 3:00 a.m. because you got into a fight with your boyfriend and can’t sleep and they stay on the phone until your ready to sleep. The ones that you can count on to pick you up because you need a ride no matter where you are.

Dear Best Friends,

I just wanted to thank you for being you and for letting me be me. Thank you for letting me feel so much like myself when I’m with you. Thank you for sharing in my happiest moments, and for listening to my saddest stories and giving compassion and empathy from wherever you are. Thank you for being the only person I ever want to confide in. Thank you for being the most beautiful person, inside and out.

Thank you for making the world a better place, just by being in it. Thank you for defining selfless, always putting others before yourself, you are going to change the world just as much as you have changed mine. Thank you for all the memories we made at Disney this year on our senior trip. Thank you for practically being my second Mom.

Thank you for setting the bar so high and making it impossible to find another friend as good as you. Thank you for making these past years we have been friends feel like forever and for giving me enough memories to last a lifetime, but not ending there.

Thank you for making me hurt when I miss you, but for taking the hurt away when I see you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the absolute privilege of being able to call you my best friend, thank you for being my person. Thank you for giving me these reasons, and a million more, to be thankful for.

I sometimes find myself looking back on my life and realizing how huge of a part you have played in keeping me steady when the rest of my world has been falling apart. How you have known what to say and do in the moments when I have felt all control slipping through my fingers.

Even if it’s just dropping everything and taking me for coffee, shopping and listening to me try to untangle the mess I call my life. Thank you for those days when the rest of the world is against me, for making me feel less alone. For believing every silly dream which enters my head and being excited for me about things which no one else understands. Thank you for always validating my emotions, for taking my side, for telling me when I’m wrong, for being honest.

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