I knew something needed to give when I was waking up my mother at 12 a.m. more than I did when I was 5 and had nightmares. I cried too much and was always apologizing for being myself. I felt more alone than I ever did before. I'd have horrible nightmares about people leaving me and being alone and wake up in a cold sweat.
I'm really passionate about what I believe in—I believe that change is possible if you want it to happen. I wanted to just be happy again, I wanted to believe that I could fight through this tough ass life alone if I needed to.
I was standing in a room with friends and looked around and told myself this isn't where I wanted to be, I couldn't tell myself enough to just go the hell home and crawl into my bed. These weren't friends.
When I was younger my biggest fear was the monsters under my bed grabbing the foot that crept out from under the blankets. But, as I grew older I realized that my biggest fear was standing in a room full of people who honestly couldn't care less about how I was doing.
Last week, I had the biggest turning point—I was done trying to pretend that college didn't change me. I was done trying to pretend that I was happy with the people in my life. I was done rocking myself to sleep at night scared to death that everyone would leave me.
Instead, I left everyone. My mother always told me that she could sense when someone was toxic—friends would walk in and out of my home and I'd sometimes get the look and tell her to stop being judgmental. I often got the look after I'd explain to her why I wasn't hanging with so-and-so that week- the "I told you so look". See what people don't get that when girls have friends they are easy to forgive but easy to pick a fight. But still, I wish I'd listen.
I was done forgiving—I needed to apologize to myself for putting myself in such a toxic position. I was done. I realized that when I was younger I was fine with having a play date with the same three people. I didn't need another 10 to make me feel like I had friends. Because when my mom was being "totally rude" those three friends would jump to help me.
I realized that what's more important in life is having friends that care-friends that will literally jump in the car in .5 seconds to save you from an emotional mess. Friends who will stay with you when you're having a rough night. Friends who will tell you straight up that you're wrong but, don't need your apologies—'cause they know you're sorry just by the way you'll look at them.
I'm done looking at groups of girls wishing I could be their friend. I'm lucky for the five friends who are always there to help me thrive and grow. I'm sick of playing the tough bitch who never gets hurt.
I'm hurt, I'm cleansing. I'm sorry if you'd rather stay back than grow with me. But I'm growing for myself—I'm I'm not sorry about it.
From,
The girl in toxic friendships, just trying to get better.
