Living with depression and PTSD along with an unspecified personality disorder can take a toll on a person, especially if they been abused, lost friendships, and feel alone. It took me a while to realize that just because people act crappy towards me does not mean that it was my fault, I didn't deserve them and the actions they had done towards me.

Before then, I lived in constant anger, resentment, and regret to the point that I felt very hopeless and thought that I did not amount to anything. I remember it like it was yesterday that I had tried to take my life, and the next day, when I had woken up alone in my room, I felt a mixture of fear, relief, and anger. I was scared because I did not know what to do next, relieved I was still living, but mad that I woke up to see another day.

Most people who do not understand depression and mental illness do not realize that it wasn't that I hated life and was ungrateful, but it was because I was suffering from pain that was unbearable and I wanted to end that pain.

Before my attempt, I was facing a lot. From abuse to transitioning to college and the real world, I was feeling overwhelmed. I remember feeling like I would never be good enough to make my mom proud. That I would be a failure in life just like my own mother had always told me. No matter how much I had done in my life, the bar for me was always low and that just caught up with me. The night of my attempt I was mad at the world and at everyone who had done things to hurt me. Some may ask me why I had never attempted to hurt anyone as revenge and my motto was that I would rather hurt myself before I hurt anyone else. Even to this day that still holds true.

The night I had attempted suicide I convinced myself that the world would be better without me and that my parents hated me and wanted me gone. I honestly do not know if that is really true, but one thing I know now is that I have friends who care and would be devastated.

I remember the shock from my friends when I told them about my attempt. Words of support and concern came and I immediately broke down and started to feel so bad about what I had done. I remember those moments when one of my friends told me how much I meant to her and how I was like a sister. I also remember how most of my friends would tell me how I had impacted their lives.

One thing that would always stick to me was that I was always there for people and they can be themselves around me. After that, I felt sorry. Since then I had been fighting like hell to stay alive. It is hard but at the end of the day, it is worth the fight. Every day I wake up I put on a positive attitude no matter how crappy my life is and just go through with my day. When I feel down, I think about all the people I had made an impact on and that motivates me to try harder.

In life you cannot always make people happy, even the ones who raised you but at the end of the day as long as you have a few good friends who have your back you are going to be okay.