Developing an anxiety disorder has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Anxiety has turned me into someone I never wanted to be without a choice, but don’t give up on the battle because it is not over until you say it is. I’ve always been the outgoing one, the adventurous one, the one who has never turned down great opportunities so anxiety was a battle that I was not ready to face, one that took me to my lowest place. I was always excited to chase my dreams, to move on with my life and never look back, but anxiety made that almost impossible for me.
The thing about my anxiety is that it was not gradual, it quickly turned into something that I was not prepared to take on alone. The panic attacks were scary, but they passed. It was the slow consistent feeling of nervousness that overcame me which tore me apart. Not knowing what I was feeling or how to fix it was like an itch I could not scratch. Being the usually outgoing, independent person I was, I was afraid to talk to anyone about it. This was a battle I had decided to face alone, and that was the worst decision. Until it got to the point where I started getting physically sick and could not get out of bed or even enjoy the things I loved, teaching out to others about how I was feeling was one of the best things I could have done, facing anxiety alone is something I would not wish upon anyone. Understanding what was going on and learning how to cope with it got easier with the few people that stuck through it with me. Still, I lost myself completely and that tore me apart. Relationships were ruined because I did not know how to talk about it or how to fit in being the new person i was. I had to accept that this was a battle I was going to have to fight hard at.
Months of watching myself disintegrate, ruined relationships and friendships, missed opportunities, sleepless nights, the depression. I think the hardest part was watching how it affected the people around me. My parents were heartbroken seeing their little girl be so upset, my friends didn’t know how to help, there was nothing could do. I felt so empty, so hopeless and so exhausted from this constant battle. I was not the person I grew to love and I would never be that person again. I can not describe in words how down i was those few months or many times I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. But, I pushed through it, found ways to cope with it, developed a small circle of people to let into this new world and from there I began building myself up again. Yes, anxiety is something I will always have to deal with and i still have those days where I feel giving up is my only option but I somehow always get through it. That has a lot to do with the amazing people I have to surround me and maybe I’m just lucky, many people don’t get a second chance with anxiety.
It’s simple, anxiety always tries to bring me down, but I try harder to bring myself up and I am proud of that.
My advice to you if you are fighting a battle with anxiety, it's going to be okay and you are going to get through it. You've got to keep telling yourself that because no one will do it for you. Surround yourself with understanding people that are going to help pick you up when you can't hold yourself up. Anxiety does not have to define you. It may seem impossible but it is so possible. Be your own support, understand that this is something you can not control. Don’t resent yourself for feeling the way you do. The truth is although it may feel like the end of the world, it's not. You are going to be okay, and you will realize that. Keep your head up, do not let anxiety win the battle, fight hard and fearlessly.
Anxiety is tough, but you are tougher. It has turned me into the strongest version of myself and for that I have to be thankful.
