Growing up I did not want to be a girl. I was taught that being a girl was being feminine. Society had taught me that the idea of femininity was to be appealing—not just to men but to everyone. Then there was my family, who taught me that femininity was being responsible and graceful.

I hated the idea of being grouped with girls. I didn’t want people to see me as a girl because I felt that I wasn’t good at being a girl. I thought dresses were pretty, but I didn’t like the attention I got when wearing a dress. I didn’t like how people commented on how pretty I was, and I hated when people said “you are going to be a model someday.” I know, I’m being ridiculous, those are such nice things for people to say and I should be grateful for the admiration but as a little girl it stressed me out. I saw the beautiful women in media and I just got overwhelmed thinking that I had to grow into that.

Being a girl comes with being feminine or at least aspiring to be feminine and femininity, as society taught me, was being perfectly beautiful, flawless. It was having a nicely proportioned body, boobs, striking poses, wearing lipstick, and heels. Guys however could wear whatever the fuck they wanted; all they had to do was brush their teeth and comb their hair. When they shopped for swimsuits they just had to choose which design they liked. When I shopped for swimsuits I had to decide between a bikini, tankini, or a one-piece—and that was just as a kid, today it is fucking insane how many different types of swimsuits women have to decide between and all men have to do is select the brand and color of the shorts. For special events, guys got to wear the suits they wear to all events, maybe they change up the shirt and tie colors whereas girls had to wear something they hadn’t been seen wearing to another event. Depending on the event you had to decide how much skin you wanted to show, how glitzy/subtle you wanted to be, and then make sure it is was still flattering but not distracting. Then when it came to everyday clothing, guys could throw on any t-shirt with shorts or jeans but girls had to decide between skirts, capris, shorts, pants, t-shirts, camisoles, sandals, wedges, sneakers, and oh yeah dresses. Ok obviously now I realize it’s great to have so many options, but when I was younger there was this impending thought to always look cute, and clothing was not the only thing that added to the pressure of being feminine.

Guys never have to worry about make-up if they do not want to, but girls are taught at a young age that make-up if used properly can make you beautiful therefore more feminine. I have nothing against make-up, but growing up I hated how I was expected to know how to put it on nicely and apparently if you are cool you should know that blue eye shadow is tacky. Blue was my favorite color so that was my first choice, it wasn’t until I was fifteen that I learned that it was not appealing—I still don’t know why and I never really cared to figure it out. The most difficult issue I had with make-up though was that when my mother and grandma gifted me it for Christmas, they told me “this will make you beautiful”. Looking back today I know that they wanted to provide me with confidence because I had terrible acne, and they were hoping make-up would provide me a way to find beauty in myself but at the time it felt like they were saying without make-up I was not beautiful. I avoided using make-up for a long time simply because I didn’t know how to use it. The second I figured it out, I loved it and it really did help with my confidence, but when I was younger I felt ridiculous. I would look in the mirror, and it was obvious I put on too many layers of foundation, and that I had no idea what bronzer was used for. I never did my eyebrows, mascara, or lips so I basically looked like I glued a cream colored piece of construction paper to my face. It would have been easier and cheaper to put a paper bag over my head—and probably more appealing.

The idea of femininity was too stressful for me as a kid so I opted for being a tomboy, and luckily I had that option. I did everything I could to be like a boy and at the time I remember wishing I were a boy. They had it easier. They didn’t have to worry about mastering make-up, dressing nicely, or being sexy. They could goof off in class, wrestle, get dirty, and say their opinions and it all got excused with “just boys being boys”. Boys were just automatically respected, whereas girls had to work for respect. Girls are expected to be responsible, friendly, stay clean –basically be uninterested in playing outdoors, and polite; and being those meant that you deserved to be respected. I didn’t mind being friendly or polite, but I didn’t like that I couldn’t say what I was thinking.

To this day my family continues to shrug off my opinions with the fact that I’m in college and express the belief that once I’m married, a man will set me straight and I’ll stop being outspoken and having my own opinions. I hated that I was expected to stay at home to cook and clean, rather than go play in the street or go shooting with my dad. Granted I loved helping my mom with cooking and cleaning, it was special time I got with her but it really sucked that since I was a girl I couldn’t go shooting or riding ATVs with my dad. When my brother would express that he would rather stay home, he could, but when I volunteered to take his place to go with my dad, I was told I couldn’t because I wouldn’t enjoy it or that it was dangerous for me as a girl and it hurt. It hurt even more when I would wake up with a list of chores to do while my family went to my brothers’ football games or even just when they had to buy shoes for them. They didn’t include me in family sporting events or simple family outings because I was seen as a person who could take care of the home while they did errands or attended things they assumed I wouldn’t want to do because of my feminine identity. The exclusion I experienced growing up as a girl along with the pressures to be perfect and constantly appealing caused me to struggle with a feminine identity. I wanted to separate myself from “girly-girls” because I thought that if I was more masculine that maybe I could be provided the simple life my brothers had.

I understand that my brothers and other boys struggle with their own pressures due to their gender, but growing up as a girl those pressures seemed much more appealing. Boys are taught to aspire for success. Told to “be a man”, “grow some balls”, “toughen up”, they are encouraged to be strong, to be intellectual, and to be independent. Having younger brothers I understand that these attributes of masculinity are hard to put on a young boy because it teaches them that they cannot express feelings and that if they aren’t succeeding in at least one aspect in their life they don’t deserve to be happy. That is extremely unfair to put onto boys and I understand that, but when I was growing up it seemed like boys were being encouraged while girls were being discouraged. It felt like boys were supported to go after their dreams whatever they may be and girls were given one dream, and that was to be beautiful, pleasant—feminine.

Due to my experience, what I was taught and the pressure I felt growing up,I think that we need to get rid of the ideas that are associated with femininity and masculinity today. The ideas of femininity and masculinity that exist today create too much separation within society, and create this idea that girls can only be beautiful and boys cannot show weakness; and I don’t think those are good ideals for our youth.

I personally struggle with femininity because I feel like it comes with too much pressure to be perfect. I want to be able to express my opinions. I want to be able to not have to put thought into what to wear. I want to be able to do activities where I get dirty or might get injured. I want to be able to live my life without thinking about whether or not I am doing it properly. I want to be able to go after my dreams. I want to be able to succeed. I want to be able to change the idea of femininity from be appealing to being strong—to be strong enough to do what you want, to go after your dreams, to stand up for what you believe, to be there for the people you love, to be the best version of yourself.

If we lived in a perfect world I would like to rid of femininity and masculinity completely because its obvious humans are not binary; instead we should encourage our youth TO BE.