Female Misfortunes — Brought To You By Two Guys With No Girls

What five letter word is so confusing, constantly changes meaning and just when you think you’ve figured it out you’re wrong? Girls. I don’t know about you, but my buddy and I have had plenty of misfortunes with girls. We’ve gotten friendzoned, we’ve run into a bunch of girls who are indecisive, and just when we think we’ve found a girl, she has a boyfriend or just broke up with one. While we could be down and out about the situations we thought it would be more interesting to make fun of each other’s misfortunes. Because what else are friends for?

Alright well, I volunteered to go first. So that means I get to roast Steve first…. This is Jesse by the way. Where do I start? Girls at my school. There’s a lot of pretty ones, but all equally confuse me. One moment they act interested and the next they aren’t, and I’m just standing there like “What the hell did that all mean?” Although my luck with girls is rather nonexistent, I’m pretty sure Steve has it worse than me since all the girls he seems to find are all in a relationship or, dare I say, on Tinder.

Thanks, Jesse, for telling everyone how I meet a majority of the girls on Tinder. I’m sure, they will let me live that one down. While you might think I’m slightly pathetic, Jesse over here thought he was able to date a cheerleader while there was a Football player in the equation. Just like any typical high school film, the cheerleader is trying to end up with the football player and it was no different in this situation. Needless to say, Jesse took the L on this one.

Screw you, Steve. Now everyone knows that one. Have you forgotten about the cheerleader you wanted to date? Or should I say ex-cheerleader? You see you’re not too different than me. Except you like blondes, like a lot. Way more than me. And you think your ink is going to help you find girls.

It’s true that I did indeed want to date a cheerleader an “Ex” one. However, you have to give me props. I know where I stand and didn’t go after a girl who is currently cheering for her high school. If liking blondes is a crime then by all means, lock me the hell up. While Jesse took a stab at me having tattoos, I’d like to point out that he wants them too and deep down he probably thinks it will help him when it comes to getting girls, news flash it won’t.

Touche bro. You got me there, I do want to get tatted. What can I say they make you look badass and I still like to think chicks dig ink. At least I’m around more girls than Steve since I’m in public school and he’s still stuck in cyber school and the only way he meets girls is through his work or, again, Tinder… You know bro, I’m curious to why you haven’t tried out Bumble. Maybe you’ll have more luck when the girl starts the conversation.

Jesse can have his fun making fun of me for still being in cyber school, but that explains my misfortune with girls. I don’t have many options. On the other hand, Jesse is surrounded with girls and his track record should be a lot better than mine, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, now does it? Who knows bro, maybe you should be the one trying out Tinder or Bumble as you aforementioned.

Hey man, girls are confusing. Remember the other cheerleader? Case in point there, bro. But yes my track record should be better but that’s what happens when you’re late to the party. You’d have the same problem as me… Oh, wait! You do as I mentioned before. At least I don’t go exclusively for blondes with blue eyes and tattoos or try to find girls that are going to New York City.

Last time I checked it wasn’t wrong to know what you want and only go after what you want. If I’m planning to spend my life in the city one day it’s better to find someone who wants the same thing so the whole break up stage doesn’t have to occur. It seems to me that you’re just jealous that I have a type and know what I want. What do you have to say about that?

Hey bro, I told you I’m starting to like dark haired girls with olive skin tone the most, so I do have a type. Which brings me to a conversation we had where I distinctly remember you saying that you haven’t had a lot of luck with blondes and are starting to like that olive skin tone.

You got me there… Girls with an olive skin tone complexion are something else and truly beautiful. Wait… Did we just agree on something?

Shit, yes we did…. Does that mean our roast session is over?

I think it does!

Normally there’s a happy ending and you say how you found girls but this is real life here. Jesse is still trying to get the cheerleaders and Steve is still swiping right on Tinder.

It’s at this time that I’d like to take a moment and thank Jesse for joining me on this article. Not only did he add some valid content and exposed my nonexistent love life he helped me write an article that was banter and just something that is more laid back and I hope in the end anyone who read this got a chuckle or two out of it.

But as always bros before hoes.