They say that love is easy, but it’s not. From a young age, children are taught to love their parents, their siblings, their friends, everyone. You’re taught to be loyal and kind to everyone and make it sound like it’s easy to be so full of love, but it’s not. There are people that truly are easy to love, but then there are the people that you want to love with all of your heart, but it hurts.
Many things can throw a wrench in your lovefest, such as death, distance, but in many cases, it seems to be an addiction. Alcohol, drugs, these awful things that can tear apart families, friendships, marriages. Growing up, my parents and teachers taught me that love conquers all and there is nothing stronger than a loving bond, but that was a lie. Love doesn't conquer all, and it is not easy. Loving an addict is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and I am confident that there are millions of people that would have to agree with me.
Addiction ruins lives, and not just the life of the addict. Their family, friends, and all their other loved ones suffer. It is exhausting to watch someone that you care so much for slowly die. It’s painful to watch them destroy themselves day in and day out. They are hurting for their fix, their body is falling apart, and you’re watching their spirit die. It feels like you’re the one who is drowning at times.
Once the addiction starts, the addict is not the same person anymore. They are a new, unfamiliar person. They are no longer the person you had once loved. They may never be that person again. The person that they once were is still in there somewhere, I’m sure of it, they just can’t come out anymore.That spirit is gone.
Loving an addict is flinching each time your phone rings. It’s dreading the thought of coming home to bad but often expected news. It’s hoping for recovery and knowing that relapse is at times inevitable, but how many times does it take? There are nights where you don’t want to go to bed because you’re not sure if your loved one will still be there in the morning. There are mornings where you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed in fear of what you may find. It’s constant worrying, crippling anxiety, constantly limiting yourself in fear of what you may become. Loving an addict is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, will probably remain the most difficult thing I ever will do.
I don’t want to be happy for my loved ones when they are doing well with their recovery, and I acknowledge that this is selfish of me. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I cannot even begin to count how many times I have gotten my hopes up for my loved ones to get themselves together, only for them to trip and fall. I know that it isn’t their fault. I know that they are trying, but you can only take so many blows to your heart. I will continue to support them, and I continue to wish for them to get better, but I will not hurt myself any longer. Choosing to stop letting their addiction kill you is also a difficult task that I have yet to master. Maybe someday, though. Or perhaps I won’t need to because they will get their lives together permanently. My heart just cannot handle waiting anymore.
Loving an addict is exhausting, painful, and challenging. Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose who you do or don’t love, you just do. I have learned that my parents never taught me how to love, I just did. I love several addicts, friends, and family, and I will sit, and I will watch them make their choices.
All I can do is hope that they are trying as hard as my heart wants them to.
