Whether it's someone I like, or am getting to know, it has become insanely difficult to express myself - whether through text or writing or even in person. I just don't know what exactly to say, or even react. I just feel, and can't explain it properly or thoroughly enough to someone else because I'm afraid they won't understand or really care.
I've only been in one serious relationship throughout my life, and it was with someone who was mentally unstable, verbally abusive and could kill with his words. Almost like a venomous snake. I didn't know until years after who I was really with. Dealing with someone this dangerous to my sensitive soul was not a good start for having a first serious relationship. The one where you grow up telling your future kids why it didn't work out, or why you married the love of you life. Well, the second option was never a real option in this case...
At night before bed, I can still feel the blood rushing to my face as I would get upset or cry in his house, which means he would take my keys and hide them from me and shut me in his room for hours. Having emotions in his household seemed to be impossible at the time, and after a while laying in his bed and sulking the only thing I could do is force myself to cry everything out. No matter what what I was crying about, I just knew if he were to say anything negative or hurtful it wouldn't matter anymore because I would've already cried because I expected him to shut me down. This guy was never wrong, and even if you had facts in front of him he would never admit to it. I didn't want to make it seem like I wanted and needed him to change as a person, nor was I entitled to that option. I just wanted to him to go back to the way he used to be, and treat me back when we were younger. I've always thought maybe it was a phase of lies and "mirroring" your prey so deep down you can lure them into physiologically loving you. I used to come across manipulation books, and life coach articles on "How to Get Any Girl You Desire" and I knew at that point I hit rock bottom with a sociopath. It took me four years to realize my mind was toyed with for 1,460 days it took for someone to observe me like a bug under a microscope and feed me lies, make me doubt my own words and punished me for speaking up.
Dating someone toxic, has made me look at every guy differently to the point where after I would spend a weekend with my toxic lover at the time, I couldn't even look up at anyone where I would go. I was weighed down, and avoided social activity for some time. I was a pretty girl on the outside but really, a bunch of shattered glass deep within. You're probably wondering why I would put myself in this position, but how are you supposed to know when the person you've been with for years could turn into a monster? My beautiful, pure mentality that I once had at 16 years old was purposely destroyed by someone I looked up to, and admired. I couldn't understand what was happening to my mentality, or the way I looked at myself. Every mirror was just an ugly reflection of confusion, looking at myself and feeling sorry that I got myself into this mess of a relationship. I felt trapped, over and over again it was a cycle of humiliation and self-destruction. I felt like he was living inside of me and draining my soul as time passed by.
Well, I swallowed all those lies and eventually puked out the truth on his face. Deep down I always had a little hope things would turn around for me,and having faith in everything around me made me not want to see the negative aspect to many things as well. I was raised Roman Catholic, and even though I didn't show up to church much after the age of 19 I still prayed to my God to help me get through each day and make my mind beautiful again. I've never felt so confused mentally with how to speak, or really start fresh with someone new. It's almost like caging your soul for so long, and having someone live through you and you're just losing at life. When you're tormented everyday by someone who drills down your self-esteem and brings it back up, then tears it down again for excitement. What sense of direction and truth do you have to follow?
Even to this day, I still relive the memories I had with this guy whether it's waking up from a nightmare or hearing a Professor in my college talk about emotional abuse to even having a guy ask me out on a date. The fear will always stay with me, since it has scarred me but it won't stop me from having a future and loving someone who is worthy of my love.
These events in my life never seemed to add up correctly. Never crossed my mind in the beginning that I would be in a serious relationship with a guy who has just as bad intentions as a sociopath.
Learning to disconnect your emotions from your true self was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I was already three years into a toxic relationship, in and out trying to find a solution to leave safely and peacefully. After you disconnect yourself from most things to cope with your current reality, you can't possibly remember every piece of your true self to put back together when you need to have emotions and express yourself properly to the people in your life that do matter. That are not trying to hurt you. Which is one downside to recovery, you have to put yourself back together carefully and throw in some past emotion to make yourself feel alive. After years of being humiliated and shamed for loving someone so toxic that could've killed me, has only made me stronger.
There is hope to be normal, to love normal, and to love yourself again.