I was supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. I’m your older sister, your guardian and your protector. When the storm brews over you and you think you’ll break, I’m here to guide you to shelter and tell you that everything will be okay. I’ll smile and be strong for you. I’ll be your rock because that’s what I’m expected to do. And it’s what I’ve always done for you.

This time, I failed.

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Perhaps I didn’t act fast enough. I waited until lightning struck the ground before us and then I realized I was too late. I couldn’t save you. I thought we were going through life as a team, but you fell down all by yourself and I could only watch. I couldn’t intervene, I didn’t know what to do, but all I could think of was, “This is my fault.”

How could I let this happen to you? How could I allow you to become so depressed that you’d try and take your own life? You came to me, asking for help and maybe instead of driving to Wal*Mart, I could’ve set my car keys aside and given you ten more minutes of my time and then you’d be alright.

If only.

Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if you’ll live or if you’ll die. I don’t know if we’ll continue to speak after this or if you’ll be angry at me for letting you down. I honestly don’t know what’s to come next. I just have to wait and see, but I feel as if it won’t be a positive outcome.

I can’t help except to feel that this is all my fault because I could’ve done everything differently. I could’ve said, “Hey, I saw your Facebook status. Are you okay?” But I didn’t because I didn’t care at the time. I was too busy.

I could’ve told you that everything was going to get better, but I always say that to you and I felt as if it wouldn’t help this time. Maybe that’s all you needed to hear to prevent this situation from happening. Those five simple words, “It’s going to get better.” Is that all you wanted to hear?

I could’ve just taken the time to help you, but I’ve done it so many times before that I felt as if I was just going through the motions and that I couldn’t possibly help you again with such watered down words.

I could have believed you instead of blowing it off and thinking, “Yeah, I’ve heard this lie before.”

Everyone’s saying I did all that I could do and that it wasn’t my fault. It was your choice, not mine and I couldn’t have prevented this from happening, but we both know the truth. I could have. If I had just changed one of my choices, one of my actions then you’d be okay and we’d be laughing right now, but instead, I’m waiting for you to get out of the hospital and I don’t know how long it will take. I’m not even sure if you’ll make it through the next twenty-four hours.

So, now I’m worried about you. I’m holding in several emotions and I wish I could tell someone — anyone — but I can’t trust anyone enough to let it all out.

For now, I’ll continue to be worried and to be extremely tired. I’ll keep waking up throughout the night and wondering why our lives have to be this way. I’ll keep wishing for a miracle for you, knowing it might not happen. I'll continue putting my faith in something I’ve never dared to dream I would believe in. For now, I have to be strong and wait for you to come home.