I’ve done my fair share; believe me I know. I regret it all every time I look into your eyes because they don’t look back at me the way they used to. I am sorry for all the ways I hurt you. I usually blame myself for the position we are in now.

But then it hit me. This is not my fault.

You were treating me like shit for so long before I finally began to give you a taste of your own medicine. Over time you felt like you made up for it all because you apologized. But that’s not how this works. Apologizing for all the ways you hurt me cannot take away the pain. You ask me time and time again to let you prove yourself but you hardly ever pull through.

What’s worse is when you do.

You show up when I need you the most. You answer the phone at my darkest hour. You know all my secrets and the truth to most my lies. It makes me feel bad and I blame myself. You are doing everything right now and I am the one slaughtering all our chances. But sometimes it’s too little too late. There was a time that I wanted you more than anything so I let you toss me around, in and out of your plans, whatever was convenient for you and I never complained about that. I allowed you to treat me like shit because I wanted you to want me back…until I didn’t. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be stood up again. I didn’t want to be forgotten. I didn’t want to fight with my mom just to defend your name.

So I stopped wanting you.

I didn’t make it a big scene. I didn’t start a fight. I simply stopped waiting around for you. I did what I wanted and if somehow our paths crossed it was great. What I still can’t figure out is when you started wanting me. Nothing seemed to have changed. Our friendship was carrying on and working out without any bad blood. But then suddenly you were making it a scene. You started a fight when I stood you up. You made me feel terrible for forgetting about our plans. And I did feel so so terrible. I feel bad that I haven’t seen you for so long. I don’t spend as much time with you as I want. But the phone really does work both ways! You love to blame me because you know damn well that I will always take the blame. You are taking advantage of me in the most emotional way. I can see now that it’s not fair to me. But why do I still find myself sitting here wondering if I should hit you up for plans? I am not ready to let go of you just yet. I know I’m not. I cannot accept that we aren’t meant to be friends. Whatever this is that has always lingered, it needs to stop but I can’t just let you go. You were everything for so long. You were the most important person in my life for the longest length of time and when I replay it all in my mind I can’t even figure out how that happened. At this point, there has been too much said that we can’t take back and too many things were left unsaid at the worst possible moments. There is too much damage done on both ends. We have both hurt each other in terrible, heartbreaking ways. We have both damn near killed ourselves trying to save each other. The reason I wonder if I should text you or not is because I need to be prepared for both responses I could get. If you say yes, that you want to see me than you will make me feel bad that it has been so long. As if I have this crazy life and you do nothing. But if you say no, you have other things to do I will be hurt all over again. That after all this time you still can’t make a minute in your crazy life for me.

It’s time to move on. We both know that we have to let each other go. But I’m just not ready and I don’t think you are either.

So what do we do?