After weeks of cafeteria food, panera to-go, and ramen noodles, Thanksgiving may just be the most celebrated holiday among college students because it means one thing - delicious, home cooked food, and plenty of it. Yes my little turkeys, feel free to stuff your face unabashedly with any combination of turkey, potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberries, and pies that suits your fancy.
But there is a catch with all this home-cooked splendor (ah the catch - there's always a catch), family from all up and down the U.S. will be pouring into your house for this sanctified food fest, and you can bet they will be very eager to share their opinions about your life, future, and hairstyle with you for the next few days or so. Here is what we all have to look forward to:
Silent Grandpa
He's just here for the food at this point, he's too old to pretend to care. He'll sit in front of the TV with his beer, occasionally complaining that he can't believe it's almost five and the food isn't ready yet. Sometimes he'll start talking to no one in particular about how he was almost recruited for the Giants when he was young, but everyone has heard this story so many times before that no one really needs to give it their undivided attention.
Grandma and her views
Ah grandma - sweet, sweet, grandma. She'll come into Thanksgiving like a wrecking ball - doling out harsh truths and not-so-subtle-digs to anyone younger than her, blood relative or not. Occasionally you'll run the risk of overhearing her mumble something vaguely racist at the TV, but correcting her would be a fruitless venture. As she wanders around the house gossiping about your cousin Marnie's kid and effortlessly balancing her plate of food and her glass of Pinot Noir, you pray silently that she doesn't notice you got your cartilage pierced "like one of those Goth kids at the mall."
Overly Involved Aunt
There's always one aunt who wants to know everything about everyone and she wants to know it right now, in great detail. You'll probably be put under the spotlight when you're helping her chop up sweet potatoes, so have your answers prepared. She'll want to know everything about you; what you like, what college is like "these days", what shows you watch, what your major is, do you think that's a good idea?, what are you going to do with an English degree after college?, Do you want to be a school teacher? The barrage of questions never ends, and by the time the potatoes are nicely diced, you'll be having a minor existential crisis over what the hell you're doing with your puny little life.
Uncle "let me tell you how the world works"
This guy knows what's up - he's your family's self-proclaimed "success story" and he doesn't want anyone to forget that. Expect him to drop phrases like "I just flew in from _____" and "I was in the city, getting drinks with ______" into casual conversation about innocuous things like soup. He means well, and he'll give you good advice, but he'll give you too much good advice, too many pointers, too many tips, given the fact that you have no where to write them down and are elbow deep in a plate of mashed potatoes. Most of the time, you just smile and nod at him, occasionally dropping key phrases like "wow" and "uh-huh."
Drunk Uncle
"I thought we didn't invite him" whispers Overly Invested Aunt to your grandma, who responds with a noncommittal snort. But you personally are PSYCHED to see this guy because of the crazy shit he causes. When you were little you thought Drunk Uncle was just silly, but now you can see that he's absolutely hammered! It's a true treasure when he makes inappropriate jokes to his brother's wife and spouts crazy conspiracy theories about JFK's assassination. Plus, he'll pass out on the couch before he causes any actual problems, just put a blanket over him and wake him up for pie.
Perfect Cousin
God this person is unbelievable, how is her hair so shiny? How come she's not covered in gravy, like me? Your mom looks you dead in the eye and tells you that "Brittany has a 4.0 and is president of two clubs". What she really means is "I hope you're doing more than just drinking in college so I can one-up your aunt and get her to quit bragging about her daughter". Brittany watches none of the same TV shows as you and "doesn't have time" for Netflix. Revert to reminding her about that time she ate so much cake at Christmas she threw up on her reindeer onesie.
Token Baby
Someone in your family just had a baby, and there it is, sitting there, drooling, smelling of formula, silently judging you with it's baby eyes. Sure it's cute, but nothing is more traumatic than the 30 seconds in which you try to hold it and it starts to sob hysterically, and everyone looks at you like you did something to personally offend Token Baby.
BONUS - Your Mother
"Are you sure you aren't dating that boy in your Instagram photos? He seems nice!"
