Have you ever truly been or felt fearless? I have no idea what that would be like, but I’d love to know.
Scaredy cat, overly cautious, wuss, big baby; I’ve heard them all. They really don’t faze me anymore and more often than not, I’ll agree and one-up the intended insult. I can talk myself out of most anything in a sane, logical and justifiable way. I’m a chronic over-thinker and worst case scenario enthusiast.
My control issues would be humorous if they weren’t legitimate. I don’t have to be in control of what you’re doing, I just need to know what I am doing, at all times. I plan my spontaneity. My comfort zone is just that, a zone of comfort. I PLAN my spontaneity (that had to be mentioned again) – do you know how hard that is to explain to people? Last minute plans are not welcome. First off, they’re rude. Secondly, I either just don’t want to do it, or I need a few moments to go through all the scenarios. On road trips (for as long as I can remember), if I’m not the driver, I will scan the side of the road – especially waterways, for anything suspicious.
It’s not that I want something bad to happen; I just typically have very few expectations of people or situations. I just like to have an idea of how I will react. If I have walked through the scenarios mentally, then I can remain calm or cool when they present themselves. What if there’s a catastrophe and I have to give a news interview? What if I DO find that dead body along the side of the road (obviously, it’s going to be in plain sight; that’s my luck)? I CANNOT be the poor person talking about "I seen it with my own eyes." Or "He was so quiet, I never thought this could happen here". I’d never say "I seen it", but I am from a small town and I just know that’d slip out when I was talking for some reason. Then that clip would go viral, be Auto-Tuned and I’d be on some internet video redemption show hosted by a semi-attractive, mildy funny comedian. All things I can’t handle.
How do you just get over it? Is it faith in yourself or others that gives you that confidence? I have to recondition myself; I’m too damn old to be afraid of everything. There are things I want to do – I want to be able to not feel like I want to pee my pants and/or die when public speaking, I want to try stand-up comedy, I want to feel the freedom that comes from being fearless. It's time to cut the bullshit and just go.
I’m have to do it. I’m going to be fearless. I’m going to just jump right in, head first into life. Is there some sort of rule book or user guide to this fearless stuff? Can I ease into it, or do I need to just hold my breath and let go? I have so many questions. No, I'm definitely jumping with no safety device.
Okay, I’m going to ease in, toe first…I mean, if I suck at it, I can just go back to being an overly dramatic scaredy cat, right?
