I have always been proud to be called a “good kid.” It makes me feel like I’m doing something right with my life, and that I’m making people happy. I like to appear, at all times, that I know what I’m doing and I’m doing it well. I hate doing anything wrong because I feel that it makes me look incompetent or unskilled, and I absolutely hate feeling inferior. But I’m sick and tired of being the one that can always be counted on to do the right thing, the person who always takes the “safe route.” And I want to start making more mistakes, even though this idea terrifies me.
Okay, I can see why that sounds kind of bad. I’m not about to go out and do something insanely stupid or reckless or life threatening, but I want to make mistakes that I can learn from, and laugh about later. I want to make mistakes that lead me right where I’m supposed to be. But most of all, I need to get rid of this overwhelming fear that if I make a mistake, I’m a lesser person.
I’ve always been somewhat of a perfectionist- I needed everything to be done on time that was more than just good quality, I needed to show up to every practice, meeting, and class and do my best, and I had to make good decisions that would only further me along. At first, this helped me. Only now am I starting to see how this can hurt me.
Because every time I do something wrong, even if it’s tiny, I freak out. I panic that somehow this is going to come back around to haunt me later. I worry that I appear to be a less capable person. I’ll forget about it after awhile, just to think about it again during the day and start worrying about it again. It takes a lot of convincing from myself to let it go and move on.
Believe it or not, I’ve gotten 10 times better in the last few years. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that today is a new day and that it’s going to be better than yesterday. And I believe that. But I am still held back by that fear of doing something wrong.
I restrain myself from talking too much when I meet new people, dreading that I’ll say something that, for whatever reason, will turn people away. I avoid going to some places or social outings because I feel that I’ll embarrass myself, or that people will think I don’t belong there. I almost never take risks, because if I tarnish my “good kid” reputation, even a little, then people will think of me differently, and not in a good way.
I don’t want to feel paralyzed anymore, and while this is easier said than done, I’ve decided to start being okay with making mistakes. It’s going to be hard, but I’ve chosen to start having experiences over attempting to be some kind of perfect.
It's okay to mess up. It's okay that some people may not like me. As long as I'm doing what I need to to live my life, then everything is going to be okay.
