Fear Is Not So Dear To Me

Fear Is Not So Dear To Me

I fear, do you? why my fear is my fear.
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Every day I fear for my life, because of people. Not just any person, not just a specific group, but people who only care about themselves. I am afraid because you never know when your life is going to end, you don’t know if it’s by a person and a gun, a drunk driver, or just a distracted person. It could even be someone you know, someone who is angry. a drunk, a drug addict not sure what they are doing. I fear that my life will be taken away so quickly before I know it. I fear that I won’t even be able to be happy with my life, be comfortable with what I have. I live my life in fear wondering if today is my last day or not. I never knew why, and I don’t think I will. It’s almost like an irrational fear.

I believe it is because of my anxiety; I put it off as it isn’t that bad, but when I stop and think about life, everything, every one of my fears comes to life. My anxiety, my fear is like a monster inside of me. I say I am not afraid to die, but honestly I am. I used to be content with the fact of I may die sooner rather than later. I fear that I am going to go to sleep and not wake up. I fear I will never see my life fall into place. Don’t get me wrong, I love life, but I fear it too. All because of what society has put into our heads, because of monsters that go around killing people for no reason. All because of everything I have seen on drunk drivers. I get that they want us to be aware of everything but sometimes that awareness makes us over protective and over cautious of everything.

People make me scared, because you never know who are your friends, your enemies, or your family until you see the real them. I walk around every day and I wonder if that person is going to kill someone, or if that person is going to die soon. I fear that I could possibly be the cause of their death unknowingly, perhaps eating peanuts on the bus and someone is deathly allergic, or maybe I will be driving and I would be distracted and end up causing an accident that kills a family.

Although life and death is scary, I can control my fear. I can become the bigger person. I do every day, I can do things such as wait until I am around people who I know aren’t allergic to eat those peanuts, or maybe not driving when I know I have a lot on my mind. Everyone has fear, and a lot of people fear death like me. I will always be afraid of death, and I will never know when my time comes. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it a lot. I think about it almost every day, and yeah that might be a lot but its something I have been learning to control. When I have a hard time, I just have to take a step back and breathe. That’s why I got my tattoo, “just breathe” two words can mean so much.

I admit, I fear death, I fear getting into a car, I am afraid to get my license and most of all I fear people. Not because I hate people, but because they are the ones who puts these thoughts in my head. They don’t just pop up automatically, it’s because of shit that happens in the world, everything makes me wonder, what is their intentions? I am afraid to get close to people, afraid to lose loved ones. I am afraid of failure, afraid I wont be as successful I want to be.

Just Breathe everything will be okay, I am not just saying this to myself, I am saying it to everyone who has the same issue. Face Every Thing and Rise.

Cover Image Credit: Google

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To The Senior Graduating High School In A Month

"What feels like the end, is often the beginning."
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It wasn’t too long ago that I was in your shoes. Just a little over a year ago, I was the senior that had a month left. One month left in the hometown that I grew up in. One month left with the friends that I didn’t want to leave. One month left in the place that I had called “my school” for the past four years. You are probably thinking the same things I thought whenever it came down to only 30 days left. You’re probably scared, nervous, worried, or anxious. Maybe you’re like me and are dying to get out of high school, ready to start a new chapter. Or maybe you aren’t so ready yet. Maybe you’re wishing for a little more time.

As scary as it is, this month you have left will fly by. You’ll blink and you’ll be standing in your cap and gown, waiting for your name to be called to receive your diploma. You’ll look back on your last four years at your school and wonder why time went by so fast. It’ll be bittersweet. However, trust me when I say that you have so much to look forward to. You are about to begin taking the steps to build your future. You are going to grow and learn so much more than any high school class could teach you. You are going to meet amazing people and accomplish amazing things. So, as scared as you might be, I encourage you to take that first step out of your comfort zone and face this world head on. Chase your dreams and work towards your goals. You are smart. You are brave. You are capable of achieving amazing things. All your life, the lessons you have learned have prepared you for this point in your life. You are more than ready.

There are times when you will feel alone, scared, or confused. There are times when it won’t always be easy. But those are the times when you will shine the most because I know you will work through whatever problems you may face. Don’t think of the bad times as a terrible thing. Use them all as learning experiences. As author Joshua Marine once said, “Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.”

You might think that this is the end. However, it’s not. This is only the beginning. Trust me when I say that the adventures and opportunities you are about to face are nothing compared to high school. Whether you are going to college, going to work, or something else, this is the beginning of your journey called life. It will be exciting, it will be terrifying, but it will all be worth it.

So, as you walk out of your high school for the very last time, I encourage you to take a deep breath. Relax. You’ll always have the memories to look back on from high school. But your time is now, it begins today. Embrace it.

Cover Image Credit: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1152445/images/o-HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION-facebook.jpg

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Poetry On Odyssey: Anxiety

Are they listening when I talk? Will they laugh when I talk? Please, just don't ask me to talk.

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As the semester comes to an end, I am finishing up all of my final projects. For English 213, Introduction to Poetry, my final project is to present one of the poems that I workshopped during the semester in a public space. So, for my project, I decided not only to post my poem to Odyssey and advertise the poem by posting pieces of it around different bulletin boards around campus that display the link to the website. So, without further ado, here is my final poetry project:


Anxiety.

I'm listening,
Listening to the buzz of a dial tone
With the receiver in one hand
As I'm biting the already throbbing
Skin around the nails of the other.
I'm trying,
Trying to work up the courage
To press the numbers I need.

Who is going to pick up?
Will they pick up?
Please, just don't pick up.

I'm waiting,
Waiting outside in the cold
With my balled-up hand in mid-air
As sweat lingers on my frostbitten
Forehead that is cold to the touch.
I'm looking,
Looking for the strength
To knock on the door I'm standing at.

Is anyone home?
Should I just go home?
Please, just don't be home.

I'm slouching,
Slouching in my chair
With my head tilted downward
As I'm scratching the raw wound
That never gets the chance to heal.
I'm hoping,
Hoping that no one asks
For my clumsily formed opinion.

Are they listening when I talk?
Will they laugh when I talk?
Please, just don't ask me to talk.

I can't live my life.

I'm rehearsing,
Rehearsing my order
With my menu tightly gripped
As I stutter the words in my head
That echo my past mistakes.
I'm praying,
Praying that I don't forget
Anything that I want to say.

Are they judging my order?
Is there too much to my order?
Please, just don't comment on my order.

I'm keeping,
Keeping my headphones in
With no music playing
As my trembling hand fumbles
With the frayed bottom of my shirt.
I'm wishing,
Wishing that my weird little quirks
Won't be pointed out.

Are they laughing at me?
Should they laugh at me?
Please, just don't laugh at me.

Anxiety.

It's not a way to live.

It's a way to die.

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