As we once again gather our families together please don't lose it. I know, they can drive you up the wall with their talk of politics, the "gay agenda" and the way that everyone seems to be up in your business even though you didn't really do much to attract attention. I get it, I've been there and I still am. Here are 11 ways to beat the head-on-fire feeling that your wonderful family induces.
1. Take a shot
Okay so this is only for people who are legally able to drink and can drink with sound mind and not get too wild. Please be responsible, practice safety and caution and drink well within your limits.
2. Take your shot
This is a little different from my first point, the aunt that keeps on taking cheap shots at you over dinner? Clapback. If she can dish it then she can take it. There is respect (which should always be mutual by the way) and there is being a doormat. Honestly, make this shade legendary and get her to back off. She obviously doesn't care about keeping things civil and neither should you.
3. Learn the art of being quiet
If you didn't have the courage to clapback at your aunt for fear of backlash then just be quiet. Trust me, the best tea is spilled post-dinner in the "grown folks' conversation" and if you're reading this then you're definitely old enough to be present. Silently absorb this information and when arguments breakout and your aunt looks at you for backup just be passive. Karma sucks and it comes in many different forms, it's all gravy at the end of the day.
4. Put a plate back
Just do it. There will always be someone that takes the biggest portions and we all know that your going to want more baked chicken and macaroni later. If you hurry up and stash a plate when dinner is ready and rush to get back in line as soon as you hide it then you'll have no worries. Because no one wants this to happen:
5. Get ghost
Find a place to hideout with your plate and glass of wine and watch Netflix on your phone or something. I guarantee that all the juicy gossip will still be there and you'll be safe. If you're an introvert like me then these events are particularly draining and it's good to recharge after arguments and your grandmother's hugs.
6. Don't discuss school
You know the drill, tell them everything is fine and that your partner couldn't show up because they were at their family's home for the break. Your family doesn't necessarily have to know about the class that you're nearly failing or are failing, they don't need to know that you broke up with your partner because they cheated or if they're toxic. If you're queer and here, out and about functions with family can get particularly hairy. Everyone has an opinion on what really boils down to how you're having sex and with whom are you having it. It's not their business and you don't have to share it.
7. If you're a heaux this is also okay
Chile, your family doesn't need to know why Eric, Jessica and Troy are not present but they have been in the past. Sometimes our hookups attend family functions, sometimes they don't and they don't need to know that you're a glorious heaux. That's also not their business. If your Aunt Regina feels the need to expose you as a heaux in front of the family (particularly your mother) and they feel the need to insert themselves into your love life with questions of marriage, your sexuality and whether or not you're getting down with the people they think you're getting down with tell them to stop and get over themselves. Remember that this is only a few days and really you can just escape into your phone and call your new hookup, I mean "best friend", to come and save you.
8. You should probably avoid anything to do with Black Friday and shopping
The madness that occurs on Black Friday and the following month of December is unreal. Customers that were once very nice and friendly become rushed and irritated from lack of sleep, waiting in line and hunger. Your sweet mother is transformed into a bargain beast that can sniff out coupons from a mile away and hunt down the very last Keurig that someone stashed underneath the $20 comforters.
9. Love is a battlefield but the retail floor is a war zone
During any of the time between November and December 25th alliances are tested,partners are selected and the rivalry between your chill Auntie Keisha and your Mom is tested. "Who will give the best gifts? Who will be the hostest with the mostest? Will Sheryl's macaroni and cheese stand up to late Great Grandma Evelyn's? Tune in next time on My Wild Family Holiday!" It might as well be a reality tv show and people are just as dramatic as the Kardashians, it's true.
10. Fake it till you make it!
This technique of going by the seat of your pants has worked for millions of people in the past, Donald Trump for instance but that's a whole 'nother article. The art of faking it and then making it requires technique, reversed logic and circular arguments. YOur family should be so confused and falbbergasted that they won't even dare ask you about anything else. And when all else fails you should just walk away confidently and give off the air of superiority that you feel when you win an argument. It works every time.
11. Faking it, part II
Now that you've walked away confidently and have somehow been intercepted again fake excitement and happiness. It sounds horrible but how else are you going to survive? It's not like you haven't done this before anyway and practive makes perfect so get out there and put on your best face and survive.
When your time has been served run home to the safety of your room and put on some jams, it's all gravy at the end of the day, right?
