I finally finished my freshmen year of Curry College with a satisfied sigh. There were many trials and tribulations within the past year. And I already have regrets. Maybe I should have talked to that girl/guy. Maybe I should have emailed that professor. Maybe I should have participated in that club. But I am able to walk away with accomplishments and self-gratitude. Thank God I joined radio. Such a good thing that I signed up for that position. So glad that I took this class seriously. But, as I walk away from Curry for the summer, I still carry the pressure of being a first generation American college student.
For those who still have confusion about the terms of being a first generation American, it simply means that I am native born in America, but with foreign parents. Both of my parents are from Brazil, and migrated to Massachusetts for a better tomorrow. That includes me. Which can be a little daunting. For many of us first generations, we pretty much are the fruit of our parents' labor. They sacrificed everything for us to be where we are today. So there is the looming thought of making sure to never let their exhaustion, blood, and sacrifices go to the trash.
And it gets even harder with school.
My parents have pushed the ideology of "school comes first" through the upbringing of me and my two sisters. Because the fact that we are getting a decent education, AND taking advantage of that education, becomes a product of my parents. Because through us and our achievements, they are able to say that their sacrifices were worth it. Again, daunting.
And as I finish my first year of college, I still have no clue if my parents are able to walk away happy. Maybe it has to do with being a perfectionist. In my early years, my studies became all too easy for me. And so I was always up for a challenge. But as years go by, my straights A's go to a mixture of A's and B's, with varying ratios. And then I would be handed those other letter grades that I cannot even begin to comprehend. Through it all, I still had that voice in my head that said "Better." Meaning that I can always do better. To get the best out of me. And to make the best of my parents' sacrifices. Because, in my head, I believed that perfect grades would validate those sacrifices.
My freshman year of Curry College proved that my belief is out of date. I see the kids who come from a more privileged background pull better grades than me. I see students who fought for everything in their lives pull better grades than me. I already felt ashamed. My parents deserve a lot better than this.
I then began to realize, that although they pushed me to go to school and go after that coveted education, my parents wanted it for me. It is my education. Not theirs. It is my accomplishments. Not theirs. Sure, my A's can make them proud. But, all they implicitly ask for, is that I do everything for me. When I was beginning to think about changing my concentration or even major, I was scared to mention it to my parents. Because I thought it wasn't "worthy" enough. But to my surprise, they were supportive. All they say is "Power to you. You know what you're doing."
Being a first generation citizen is not an easy life. But because of my parents' work and will, it's a well-deserved life.
