Did Leo finally win? (Yes.) What movie won the most awards? (Mad Max.) Did people really boycott the ceremony? (Some did, and they were made fun of for it.) Who earned the three coveted Standing Ovations of the night? (Stay tuned.) Lady Gaga did WHAT? (Absolutely slayed.) How much have you had to drink? (I wish I knew.)

So you didn’t watch the Oscars. Tell me, how does it feel to be uncultured swine?

Just kidding. I can’t blame you for not watching a bunch of rich people in uncomfortable looking clothes sit in a fancy theater and judge each other for an ungodly amount of time instead of doing homework or literally anything more productive. Lucky for you, I have poor time management skills, and totally wasted five hours doing just that. And because I am just SO great, I’m gonna help catch you up on all the most important parts of the night. You’re welcome.

Let’s start with some background. This is the 88th Academy Awards, otherwise affectionately known as the Oscars. Chris Rock is hosting, which is very cool. Also-- in case you live under a rock (no pun intended)-- this is the most controversial Oscars yet due to the lack of diversity among the nominees, causing it to be boycotted by many celebrities and the source of a lot of conversation about opportunities for minorities in films. More on that later.

Also discussed heavily is Leonardo DiCaprio’s nomination for Lead Actor in The Revenant. I truly believe that if he does not win this award, the people will actually revolt, the world will devolve to anarchy, and our Post-Apocalyptic nightmares will come true. (Sidenote, that would be an interesting premise for a book. Hmmm….)

Then there is me, and let me tell you: I am definitely NOT the WORST qualified to analyze the Oscars. I mean, I watched seven out of the eight nominated Best Picture films, so I do KIND OF know what I’m talking about. However, I feel compelled to warn you that I’m watching the Oscars with my roommates, and we’re playing a little drinking game-- where we wrote all of our predictions of the winners down before the ceremony even starts and every time that predicted wrong, we take a drink. If we are right, we have to drink for the duration for the winner’s speech. If someone cries, we take a sip. And every time the music starts to play to cut someone off, we drink until they stop talking. So keep that in mind as the night, erm, progresses. And get excited.

Starting at the red carpet, here is everything that you need to know. One: Alicia Vikander is actually Belle from Beauty in the Beast. Two: Leo brought his mom. Swoon. Three: Jacob Tremblay (and his parents) are freaking adorable. Best dressed by far are Saoirse Ronan, Priyanka Chopra, Olivia Munn, my girl Mindy Kaling, Margot Robbie, Daisy Ridley, Eddie Redmayne, and Rachel McAdams. Outfits on fleek.

There was this perfect photobomb, too.

The night kicked off with a compilation of all of the amazing movies that had been produced in the past year-- and it was excellent. Then Chris Rock came out strong with a monologue that absolutely embraced the controversy around the Oscars this year and amid the comedy, he actually made some very good points about protests, boycotts, opportunity, and racism. However, I felt a little awkward about the fact that there was a room full of white people laughing at jokes made by Chris Rock at the expense of their African American peers. In the end, it was a very good opening monologue. Snaps to Chris.

There were several moments throughout the ceremony that are worth quickly noting. There was a sketch about recreating the Oscar nominated movies with black actors that was hilarious. The Stacey Dash moment was weird for everyone, but this article explains it pretty well. In an effort to shorten the program, the nominee’s were asked to create their list of thank you’s if they win ahead of time, so that way they could be scrolled at the foot of the screen and the focus of the speech (45 second max length) could be on making political or social statements, which was pretty cool. The president of the Academy, Cheryl Boone Isaacs, made a statement about how the Academy Awards recognizes the inequality of the opportunities, and that they will do what is in their power to fix it. She is also a powerful black woman and I love it. Star Wars characters recognized John Williams on his fiftieth Oscar Nomination. And Chris Rock’s daughter’s Girl Scout troupe came to sell cookies to the audience, and raised over $65,000.00. Also, I’ve never wanted a Samoa more in my entire life.

The ‘In Memoriam’ song was The Beatles's Blackbird, and was performed live by Dave Grohl. I am not able to name every person in this segment, but I can tell you that I teared up when Christopher Lee, Alan Rickman, David Bowie, and Leonard Nimoy flashed on the screen. Is that what growing old is like? Recognizing more and more people in the 'In Memoriam’ segment?

Lastly, there were three incredibly impressive musical performances by Sam Smith, The Weeknd, and Lady Gaga, all of whom were nominated for Best Original Song. By far, the best was the moving performance by Lady Gaga, who was introduced by Vice President Joe Biden. (Who also got the first coveted standing ovation of the night, which he promptly turns down. How Joe Biden of him.) ‘‘Til It Happens to You’ is a powerful song that was written for the documentary The Hunting Ground, but is more popularly known for the controversial and graphic music video of the same name. Did I say this performance was moving? Because it was moving. I ugly cried when the victims of sexual assault powerfully surrounded Gaga, who not only killed it vocally, but performed so raw-ly, emotionally, and genuinely to the audience. This amazing human being, and the remarkably brave people who stood with her, earned the SECOND standing ovation of the night, and quite possibly the most important one. Go visit ItsOnUs.org for more information.

Now for the awards segment:

Best Original Screenplay went to Spotlight, a movie about investigative journalism unveiling a series of cover ups by the Catholic Church. Best Adapted Screenplay went to The Big Short, the movie that makes you terrified of the old white men that control our money.

Alicia Vikander won Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Danish Girl and shouted out to her co-star, Eddie Redmayne. She really exploded this year as an actress, and this was not only her first win, but her first nomination as well. Also, apparently Alicia is rumored to be dating Michael Fassbender.

Best Costume Design went to Mad Max-- even though the costume designer accepted her award in an old pair of slacks, a t-shirt, a leather jacket, and a scarf that looked like it was knitted by Molly Weasley. (I wish I was kidding.) Mad Max also won Best Production Design and Best Makeup and Hairstyling.

(Update: I am losing the game so far. Also, we have added a rule. Drink every time something weird happens.)

Best Cinematography was won by The Revenant, which comes as no surprise. The cinematographer, Emmanuel Lubezki, also won the same award last year for Birdman, and both movies have a similar style of long, continuous takes throughout the scenes.

The Oscar for Best Film Editing went to Mad Max. So did Best Sound Editing. And Best Sound Mixing. Ironically, the microphone had some issues during these last two awards. This also puts Mad Max at six awards out of the first ten.

Breaking the streak, Ex Machina was awarded Best Visual Effects. Best Animated Short Film, which was presented by Minions, was won by Bear Story. And the Best Animated Feature Film, presented by Woody and Buzz Lightyear (the nostalgia is so real), was given to Inside Out. Best Supporting Actor was Mark Rylance from Bridge of Spies-- which is actually kind of a surprise, even though he is no less deserving than the rest of the men nominated.

Louis C.K.’s interlude to the award for Best Documentary Short Film was flawless and honest and hilarious. The winner was A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness, which is about the girls and women in Pakistan who lose their lives in the name of religious honor killings. Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy nailed her speech, saying, “this is what happens when determined women get together”. Her win was followed by the award for Best Documentary Feature, which went to a documentary called Amy-- which is about the life and career of the late Amy Winehouse. The award for Most Adorable Presenters goes to Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah on stools, who presented Best Short Live Action Film to Stutterer just before Son of Saul (Hungary) won Best Foreign Film.

So I have just finished my first bottle of champagne. Also, my roommate has just fallen asleep, so I decided that I win by default. (And my prize is to finish her bottle of champagne, too.)

Whoopi Goldberg gave away some honorary Oscars to Gena Rowlands, Debbie Reynolds, Spike Lee. AKA successful people that deserve our respect, even though they have not won an OFFICIAL Academy Award.

Best Original Score was won by Ennio Morricone for Hateful 8. He also happened to win the Cutest Award Acceptance Award. This was his first Oscar, and he was so old that he had to be helped to the stage, where he gave his speech in his native tongue, and had to have a translator share it for him. This guy has all the swag, okay.

And our first major snub of the night: Best Original Song went to Writing on the Wall, by Sam Smith. Even he seems to think so, naming Lady Gaga in a very flustered and surprised speech. To give him credit, though, the music that Sam Smith makes is always astounding, and he dedicates his award to the LGBT community, which is incredibly commendable, so I’m not too torn up about it.

Alejandro G. Iñárritu won Best Director, for the Revenant, which is his second year in a row winning in this category, as well as his fourth Oscar over all. This makes my accomplishment of waking up before 9 a.m. today seem very, very lame. Also, he might be the only person in that room who is a bigger fan of Leonardo Dicaprio than I am.

Best Actress went to Brie Larson for her role as Ma in Room, and she really freaking deserved it. If you haven’t seen Room yet, I would highly recommend you do. If her performance doesn’t blow you away, than Jacob Tremblay’s will. I still think he should have been at least nominated for Best Actor.

And finally, literally the moment everyone was waiting for: The Oscar for the Best Actor goes to……

LEONARDO DICAPRIO!!!!!

Though I am nowhere near ready to give up the flawless memes of Leo never getting an Oscar, I know he is the most deserving out of all of the nominees. (But Matt Damon is definitely the runner-up for The Martian, okay.) Cue the audible sigh of relief on behalf of the entire world. Leo not only earns the Oscar, but he received the third, and final standing ovation of the night. He used the speech to thank the cast and crew, and to shed light on the topics of climate change, removal of indigenous people, and the politics of greed, which are all agendas and opinions that he has held for many years now. But now, the real question on everyone’s minds is: Why didn’t Leo say thanks or, at least, shout out to Kate Winslet, his best friend?

After that win, no one cared about the Best Picture, which is supposed to be the most prestigious award of the night. There were eight nominees: The Martian, The Revenant, Mad Max, Bridge of Spies, Spotlight, The Big Short, Room, and Brooklyn. My personal favorite was The Room. I believed the strongest of the films was the Martian. Brooklyn is the only movie in the category that I did not get to see, (but still will!) And, on my list, I said the Revenant would win.

Well, I was wrong. It was Spotlight, which was honestly the biggest plot twist of the night. Congratulations to them, of course, but I certainly did not expect that.

There it is, folks: 1.5 bottles of champagne and 5 hours later, and the entire world somehow managed to survive the Oscars. So far, what I learned from this experience, is that I know nothing about movies. (I think I got about five correct. That is just sad.)

Oh well. I think Chris Rock sums it up the best, “See ya at the BET Awards. Buy some girl scout cookies. #BlackLivesMattter. Thank you.”