I never thought I would be someone that struggled with anxiety or depression. That's the thing about mental disorders though: you don't choose them, they choose you. I was always the girl that was able to take bad things with a grain of salt and move on from them. I've always been very even-keeled, but then my depression and anxiety happened.
When I first started realizing something was wrong, I didn't exactly know what was wrong. I just knew that I wasn't feeling like myself. I had gone through a lot in the past year and at first I thought I was just sad about certain situations, and then I realized I couldn't shake this feeling of sadness. It was constant and everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to deal with people and had no motivation for anything. I was constantly tired and mentally drained every single day. For someone that is usually very outgoing, this was very out of character for me.
At first I thought I was just being over dramatic, so I didn't tell anyone what was wrong. I didn't want people to think I was being overdramatic or trying to get attention. I don't even like to go to the doctor when I'm sick sometimes because I think I'm just being a hypochondriac. So to tell someone I thought I was depressed and had anxiety was hard for me. It was hard to reach and tell those closest to me how I was feeling.
I believe my mom sensed there was something wrong but I didn't know how to tell her. She would constantly ask me if I was OK. I would tell her I was fine, when in the back of my head I knew that was a lie. Even though she was asking I still didn't know how to tell her what I was feeling. I know I can talk to my mom about anything but it wasn't because of her I couldn't tell her, it was because of myself and I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem even though I knew I needed help.
Finally, I sucked up my pride and made a counseling appointment at my school counseling center. I knew I couldn't feel the way I felt any longer. I didn't tell anyone but my best friend about it at first until one day my mom asked me again if everything was OK and this time I finally told her no. I don't know what was different this day, but I finally asked for help and told her what was going on.
Fast forward a couple months
I had been going to counseling for a month or two by now and it had been helping me work through what I was feeling. Then one day I broke down in full blown tears for what seemed like no reason at all. I was in a hurry to get to work because I had just gotten out of class and was struggling to find all my work things so I wouldn't be late. I started crying and having a panic attack. Something that would have never made this upset before suddenly made me have a break down. My boyfriend witnessed almost all of it as he was one the phone with me when it happened. He tried to help calm me down some but sometimes nothing helps when you're having an anxiety attack.
On my way to work I finally got to the point where I had stopped crying, so my boyfriend and I got off the phone. Then, my mom called and I tried to sound as normal as possible but she didn't buy it. She knew something was wrong. She asked what was wrong and here came the tears again. All I could manage to tell her was nothing and everything was wrong at the same time. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell her what because I didn't know and this was how I felt all the time. She suggested that it was time for me to go see an actual doctor at this point and I agreed.
A few weeks later I went to see my doctor for my anxiety and depression. I told her what had been going on and she agreed that based on what I told her I had anxiety and depression and that getting on medication would help. I have been on medication for about three months now and it has made me feel normal and myself again. I know I still have my days but at least with my medication I have more good days than bad. While yes right now I need the medication I hope to not have to be on it for forever but for right now it helps.
If you are struggling with any kind of mental disorder, please don't be afraid to ask someone for help. It's scary at first but I promise you will feel so much better and the people around you will be able to help. You don't need to feel alone because I promise you aren't!
This is my first time sharing my whole story besides to my best friend, my mom, my boyfriend and my roommates, but I want to share my story so that hopefully it helps someone. I want people to know that they aren't alone. We need to continue talking about mental disorders because there is still a stigma behind them. Mental disorders are a chemical imbalance in someones brain and we can't just choose to feel a different way, just like someone that has any other kind of disease can't choose not to have that disease.
I never truly understood depression and anxiety until I had it and sometimes I still don't. I don't wish this upon anyone but we need to continue talking about it. People need to be aware of what it is like. The people you least suspect are struggling are probably the ones struggling the most.
Millions of people are affected by depression, anxiety and other mental disorders every single day.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in young adults.
You are not alone! If you need help please ask for it.
If you don't have anywhere else to turn, visit http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-8255
