Before I had even gotten to college, I'm talking junior year of high school, I had started my rocky relationship with alcohol. You might stop and think, "Where were my parents?" and "How did I get alcohol at such a young age?" amongst many other things. But that isn't the point here. The point is, I kind of became reliant on it.

Especially in college. I always made jokes to my friends about how after a long lecture I needed a drink, or how after a really tough test I needed to get blackout drunk to forget it. And they thought it was a joke, but I was entirely serious. My freshman and sophomore years are blurry, besides the very clear pictures of my inebriated state. I drank to forget some stupid boys who toyed with my emotions and played my heart like it was an instrument.

I didn't know I had a problem then, constantly bugging my older sister to get me alcohol. Trying my luck with a fake ID to feed my habit. And I never saw anything wrong with that, especially when it felt like my friends relied on me to "hook them up" with the stuff. But looking back now almost three years since freshman year, I know I had a very serious problem.

Flashback to those years, to nights that I don't entirely remember how I got back from the bars I shouldn't have been in to begin with. Or how I wouldn't eat before drinking with intention of getting blackout drunk. I look back now, and realize how ridiculously and stupidly dangerous it was for me to be doing those things. I never even took into consideration the health risks, how the frequent and heavy drinking would affect me physically, mentally, emotionally.

Now, fast forward to my junior year. I started the year looking forward to the weekends I would forget with friends I had made in earlier semesters. Our group chats consisted of pictures of potential outfits and jumbled messages we didn't remember sending, but always eager to go out the next night. And that's when I met Tom. Not yet my boyfriend, I started blowing off the weekends out to hang out with him, get to know him, and eventually, that led to us actually being together. And it was so great. We'd mindlessly sip beers while in each other's company, not getting drunk from the alcohol but from each other's thoughts and presence. Until my grandma passed away shortly after we started dating. And that's when the bottle became my best friend again.

My fridge went back to being stocked with the illegal substances of a not yet 21-year-old. I was blowing off class because I couldn't get out of bed, wondering how early I could start drinking away the pain of her being gone without being judged for it by others. And then, I completely stopped caring about that. My grades never dropped the way they should have, but my personality and body certainly reflected the abuse I was putting on it myself.

There were nights where I drank so much, I couldn't remember my name. I would deny how intoxicated I was so that I could have another drink. It had gotten to the point that I would "puke and rally," as in throw up and then keep going. And that's when I realized my problem was back. I was at the peak of my relationship with binge drinking. I knew it had to be cut off then and there.

So, I severed the ties. I stopped drinking heavily when I would go out with my boyfriend and his friends. I stopped asking people to buy me cases of beer to keep in my mini-fridge at school. I stopped going out entirely, I mean literally being summoned by free happy hours to no end and still not going out, something I wouldn't have had the willpower to do back in the beginning years of college. And quite honestly, I couldn't be happier.

My body has transformed almost fully since I've given that all up. I've lost all the weight that I put on almost entirely from alcohol, my attitude is noticeably different, and I no longer feel the need to self medicate a long lecture or a bad day with what used to be an endless amount of alcohol. And now, I'm 21 years old. I'm legally able to purchase alcohol and go out and have a night on the town, but I'm definitely cautious. As someone who has had such a rocky relationship with the substance, I hope to keep the thought of binge drinking buried away with the blackout memories and hopefully never fall into the habit again.