By the time this article publishes, I will be eighteen years old. Another year will have been added to my life, and I will now carry with me all the wisdom that I learned at seventeen. Earlier this week, as I approached my birthday, I couldn't help but be shocked at the difference in my emotions this year.
The year prior to this, I absolutely could not wait until I would be seventeen. Every year before that, I would eagerly await every single birthday. I would wake up my entire family at precisely the hour in which I was born just so they could acknowledge the passing of the time. My mother would always tell me that I was way too excited for the aging process. She’d tell me that one day I would stop willing those birthdays to come and that I wouldn't want to rush to grow older. Every year I'd laugh shyly and not deny my excitement.
This year, I was terrified.
I wasn't counting down days. I wasn't giving my family reminders. When midnight struck, I stayed as quiet as possible. This change in attitude came slowly, like honey dripping into a mug of tea.
It began with the realization that responsibilities are no longer going to be lax. I am going to have to work towards establishing myself as a decent member of society. The entire month of October, all I could hear in my head was my mother's voice telling me to stop rushing through things. I started thinking about all the things that I didn't enjoy. I mentally added up all of the days where I was anything less than happy, and I yelled at my past self for taking those moments for granted. At one point I got teary-eyed when I started thinking about how few pictures I've taken.
It was scary to think about how little I have lived my life and how little I've appreciated the life I have lived. I started to wonder if this was what life was going to be like from now on, if I'd just be living in anticipation for my birthday or be scared of its arrival.
Maybe that’s why the concept of time is so scary. It counts down as we move towards something, whether that something is good or bad, whether we want it to come or not. It passes us by constantly, as we move on with a new love or away from an old one. It reminds us that life is limited and makes some of us feel like it’s being wasted as opposed to treasured. It is literally the only measurement we have to live our lives by. Time marks birthdays and calendars, anniversaries and memorials, work days and vacations. Without time, people would be free to simply live instead of having this lingering feeling of living inadequately.
I have a great fear of living inadequately. I have a great fear of losing whatever it is that keeps me young and carefree. Everything is changing so quickly. I'm so scared, but I can do nothing but join the world as it turns. I hope that with each rotation of these planets I will learn more and more. I hope that I will stop being scared and start living more.
