I discharged from Rogers Memorial Hospital, a Partial Hospitalization Program for my eating disorder three days ago. Rogers was where I spent every day, all day for the past nine weeks. It's currently Sunday night, a night where in the past, I would be getting prepared for the next week of treatment but instead, I'm lying in my bed feeling anxious about the week to come.
Rogers was my safe place for nine weeks. A place where I felt like I had a genuine connection and belonging with other patients. We ate our meals around a small dinner table, listening to music while answering table questions and laughing at each other's response. Crying was normalized, and actually expected most days during group. I had the ability to share some of my darkest struggles with others who to my surprise, could relate to and actually understand. We had a buddy system for bathroom breaks, so we were never alone and kept from acting on behaviors. There were staff and nurses present at all times whenever needed. And I would walk out the doors at the end of the day, knowing that I would be OK because I would return to the same safe place tomorrow.
Except when I walked out of the doors three days ago, my heart sank knowing that I would not be returning to my safe place.
I actually broke down crying. Crying out of fear and anxiety, thinking to myself that I can't "recover" and continue the immense progress I had made in the program, on my own. Before I discharged, I sat down with my dietitian and meal-planned for the next two weeks, knowing that the days to come might be rough while trying to adjust to life outside of Rogers. I also sat down with my therapist and completed both a discharge plan and safety plan. There was a lot of planning around discharge and I didn't realize how much it would actually be needed until I reached my discharge day.
As I said, it's been three days since my discharge and things have been harder than I expected them to be. I have been trying to the best of my ability to follow my meal plan, but it is hard without the support of other patients and therapists around you. I sit down to eat my meals by myself and feel a pit in my stomach like something isn't quite right. I then look at my watch and it's 12:30 p.m. — when I should be in group — and I feel an ache that takes over my whole body.
My mind goes directly to the war that it's be battling since I discharged. Fifty percent of me wants this to be the last treatment program I ever go through. I want to go full in with recovery and continue following my meal plan closely. The other 50% of me reminds myself of how easy it would be to allow myself to fall back into old habits and behaviors, which makes my meal plan hard to follow. This choice was taken away from my while in treatment. I had to complete all my meals and snacks, and stay compliant. But now that I'm out, it's all up to me.
That war that has plagued my mind makes it hard to get out of bed some days because it is so exhausting.
Each morning, I pull out my phone and text a treatment friend to help convince myself that recovery is the life I want and that I need to continue following my meal plan. I always think to myself that shouldn't be this hard, but it is hard. It's going to be hard because I am in one of the most vulnerable spots I have ever been in. My therapist told me that the first year after treatment should be a year full of "self-care" and I am slowly beginning to understand why she told me that.
I've craved the safe walls of Rogers each day since I've been out, but ultimately know that recovery occurs in uncomfortable situations, which is a situation I'm in right now. I'm uncomfortable and want so badly to cave back into my thoughts but I keep reminding myself how much progress I've made, and how much life I've gained back through recovery.
So basically, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone.
The first couple of days — and I'm sure the first couple of weeks — following your discharge from an eating disorder treatment program are hard. Probably some of the hardest days that you'll have to face on your own in recovery, but also some of the days that can contain the most growth. Take a moment to realize how far you have come on your journey with your eating disorder and remind yourself of all the amazing things that lie ahead to keep you going. Those are the things that have kept me going, and things that will keep me going in the days and weeks to come.
