The other day a friend of mine found out about my eating disorder. She messaged me and said “I don’t know what it’s like to have an eating disorder but I’m always here for you.” And at first I didn’t know how to respond, because I realized I didn’t know what it felt like to have an eating disorder either. This is how I’ve always felt. So I sat down to think about what made people with eating disorders feel so different. I discovered that it’s not really about being shallow and wanting a perfect body. It’s not about only wanting to be skinny and starving yourself for attention. I sat and really thought about the things I think about when it comes to food that most likely aren’t normal…and this is what I found out.
Having an eating disorder is like:
Laying in bed at night thinking about what all you ate today to determine how much you eat tomorrow. Meeting someone for the first time and instead of listening to what they have to say, you’re thinking “do I look skinny today, do I look skinny today? Is it enough for them?” Having a fear of the holidays, a day spent with family and fun, yet spent in terror of temptation. Wanting to keep busy all day so you don’t feel your hunger. Going on a family hike or out with your friends and feeling happy not because of the people you're spending time with, but because you're burning some extra calories that day. Never feeling good enough because you ate too much. Going out to eat and determining in your head how much of a portion of your food you are going to eat and how you’re going to make it seem like you ate more to everyone else so you won’t get questioned. Not wanting to leave the house if you ate that day. Feeling literally ashamed when someone walks in on you if you’re looking in the fridge. Doing the little things that require very small amounts of energy, such as wiggling your toes while sitting down, taking longer and hotter showers, standing when you could sit, taking deeper breaths, to burn small amounts of calories.
Having an eating disorder is like: Drinking apple juice instead of eating an apple. Crying yourself to sleep if you ate too much in one day and starving for the next three. Thinking it’s normal to eat two things throughout the day and it’s plenty (for example, yesterday I had some french fries and a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of coffee and I thought that was actually okay).
So, this is what it feels like having an eating disorder….but to me it’s just eating.
Yet, behind all of this, there is progress. Although this is and was a part of me, you can get stronger on your own and with good friends and family. While being at school I have become incredibly healthier mentally and physically. I feel happier, even when I do eat. I don't think about food as much but just the time I'm spending with people when we are laughing and enjoying each other.
Mental battles are the most raw and difficult battles you will face as a person. But there is a time when everything will make sense and be okay. You will grow as a person and figure out where true happiness and comfort lies, and it is not hidden within hating and rejecting yourself.
