If I were to guess, I would say Dunkin' Donuts is responsible for at least fifty percent of New England’s economy. They are literally everywhere. Pink and orange neon lights flood the streets of region, drawing costumers in like some sort of hypnotizing device. Plastered life-size images of Gronk and Big Papi line the walls of the restaurants, inspiring people to spend their hard earned money on microwaveable donuts and subpar coffee. Dunkin' Donuts is an ever-powerful force to be reckoned with, and is on the verge of becoming a religion in the northeastern United States. I would challenge anyone to find a single New England town lacking a Dunkin' Donuts. All this being said I believe I am phony New Englander. Be warned I am about to spew some sort of cruel blasphemy from my gullet… I do not like Dunkin' Donuts, in fact I think its rubbish.

I could pick apart every aspect of this unfortunate donut chain. From its synthetic tasting donuts, to its bathwater-like coffee, to egg sandwiches which are more suspicious than a man in trench coat hanging at Chuck E Cheeses, Dunkin' Donuts does not have much going on for it. While I am more than familiar Dunkin' Donuts high-school-cafeteria grade lineup, one item especially stood out among the chain’s dismal lineup. This item is the Cold Brew Iced Coffee.

Dunkin' Donuts markets the Cold Brew as a coffee specifically brewed to be iced. Here is Dunkin' Donut’s verbatim description of the blend its website: “Enjoy an ultra-smooth, full-bodies brew like no other. It’s a rich, flavorful, easy-to-drink coffee that’s slow brewed to reach its purest form.” Well I tried the Cold Brew not once but twice, and I would like to say that I disagree with Dunkin' Donuts. Now I am by no means a coffee connoisseur; my pallet is not picky, and my standards are very low. I buy my coffee at Cumberland Farms for christ’s sake. However, Dunkin' Donuts has managed to take a dip even below my standards. Honesty, the Cold Brew is hardly any better than their regular iced coffee. Well... maybe one percent better. If Dunkin' Donuts regular coffee is Applebee’s dish water, than the Cold Brew is Chili’s dishwater. It’s a little better, a tad more refined, but the Cold Brew is nothing to rave about.

The first time I tried the Cold Brew was on a Wednesday morning. I spent the earlier hours of the morning at work cutting down trees, displacing animals from their homes, and overall recking havoc on the natural world. Once it was time for break, I was in desperate need for a coffee. I reluctantly agreed to venture to the Devil’s coffee house with a co-worker. On the way there I decided I was going to order the Cold Brew, I saw the advertisements, heard decent reviews, and was interested in trying Dunkin' Donut’s new coffee. We arrived at the restaurant, I walked in, looked at Gronk’s ridiculous face stuck to wall, proceeded to the counter, and ordered a small black Cold Brew iced coffee. The Cold Brew took about 25 seconds to craft, however I would have liked to see it be made in 15; they call it fast food for a reason dammit. Anyways, I grabbed the slippery cylinder of plastic, and I made my way to a table. With a coworker to my left and right each shoving donuts down their pie-hole as if they were trying to break a Joey Chestnut record, I took my first sip of the fabled Cold Brew.

The slime crawled up the hideously orange straw, sloshed around my mouth for a bit, and then slid down my esophagus. Upon first impression it tasted almost the same. There was virtually no difference between the Dunkin' Donuts regular coffee, and the Cold Brew. Overall, it was underwhelming and certainly not worth the extra fifty cents. Dunkin' Donuts claims the Cold Brew has a smoother flavor and is easier to drink than their regular coffee, for once I’ll agree with them. While the Cold Brew contains a finer finish than the regular iced coffee, the difference is microscopic. For god sakes, it’s just as watered down and mediocre than the regular iced coffee. Th only the way this drink could be saved would be by loading it with cream and sugar (a trick that seems to work for most Americans).

In conclusion, I would not recommend Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Iced Coffee. The taste is not noticeably different, and in my opinion the Cold Brew is more of scheme to siphon money out of customer’s pockets than anything else. Once again, Dunkin' Donuts has lagged with yet another mockable attempt at food and beverages. If you are not a hipster douche and purchase your coffee at a chain like a normal person I would suggest Cumberland Farms or Starbucks. Both are around the same price, and have significantly better iced coffee options than Dunkin' Donuts.