I fumbled to find the right words to explain what I was feeling. I have struggled with depression, ADHD, and anxiety since I can remember. This time is different, because it won't go away. It started a week into Junior year of college, I woke up at 3 AM, gasping for air, trying to not panic, but all I could reason was that I was dreaming that I'm underwater. Or am I? It certainly wasn't a dream, but it most definitely was traumatic. I've gotten less than three hours of sleep the last couple of nights, I've missed three classes because I can't move. My legs feel like a heavy bowl of jello, my hands are shaking, and I keep fighting with OCD thoughts.
Anxiety is a real problem. Something that we forget, because anxiety is irrational thinking so just stop thinking about it, right? No. I was bullied in high school because I would cry from anxiety and I scare people when I have a mental breakdown. It's almost embarrassing. My freshman year, I was at my sorority's Chapter Birthday and I tried to stay calm until I finally ran back to my dorm room, heels on and everything, to cry until I could breathe again.
Anxiety is embarrassing and feels so lonely. Why can everyone else hide theirs, but I can't? I was hoping that if I'm going to feel like I'm underwater then I would at least get mermaid hair and a seashell bra. Jokes aside, I live in fear, I can't sleep or do homework because I'm afraid of things I have no control over. My mind doesn't stop talking on top of my ADHD and plays explicit scenarios that terrify and disgust me. I sit up at night, feeling empty, and alone. Ironically, I've pushed people away because of it.
I used to take Nyquil like it was candy just so I could sleep at night, but as I get older, I've learned a lot about my own anxiety. I have come to understand that anxiety can be compared to the ocean, large, dark, and filled with the unknown. Like anxiety, when you're stuck in a riptide, you can't fight it or you will drown, but instead go with it. You can graze just above the water as it carries you out to the middle of the ocean. You have to face your biggest fear in order to conquer it. Like Lupin taught me, the thing you fear most is Ridkiculous once you have the courage to face it. The most beautiful part of that riptide is while you're looking up to the sky, you may be seeing the beautiful blue skies and sun shining down on you. Your anxiety doesn't always have to be bad, maybe it's something that can be turned into a positive.
It is important to say that we all can't be perfect. You're not wrong or lazy or selfish, you are a human being going through numerous things. It is going to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will be. Sometimes, I like to think of my anxiety as an alert to difficult situations, but I have to silence the alert in order to face the tasks at hand head first. Sometimes, what you really need is to meditate even if it is for five minutes and be sure to do this in the morning and night. Essential oils like lavender help you sleep, because lack of sleep can actually cause anxiety. Mix 10 drops of lavender oil with a little bit of coconut oil and rub on temples, neck, and wrists. DRINK LOTS OF WATER LIKE 2 LITERS!!! Eat three meals a day, especially don't skip breakfast. You can actually do your best homework/projects from 4AM-6AM and 10AM-12PM as long as you get the proper amount of sleep each night! You actually can't do everything, surprise, so make sure that you commit to an easy amount of things to keep you going but don't fill every single hour with homework or meetings or volunteering or whatever it be. You need ME time, this is essential to lowering anxiety. Give yourself several hours of me time a day, but make sure you don't watch over four hours of TV. It actually causes anxiety and depression if you watch over four hours of TV. Read more books, play some games, take a bath! Anything you want. Most importantly: Accept that everything won't be perfect and life would be boring if it were.
Embrace those anxiety attacks, let it happen, accept it, and keep smiling!
You have anxiety, but you don't have to become it.
