The line between what is healthy and unhealthy behavior in a relationship is not always clear. Sometimes, what seems like a kind gesture could actually be a manipulation tactic, which is a sign of emotional abuse. But how are you supposed to know when someone is being caring or controlling? What is the difference between jealousy and possessiveness? How do you know when a partner has gone too far? Believe it or not, these answers are not as simple as you would think. For many people, it takes multiple incidents building on top of one another before they realize what kind of relationship they are in. Abuse isn't always physical, and the markings of an emotional abuser aren't easy to spot, but if your partner is exhibiting any of these behaviors, you might want to seek help.
He constantly needs to know where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.
There's a huge difference between a guy asking what you're up to out of interest and demanding you tell him exactly what you're doing at all times. If you feel like you can't go somewhere without asking your boyfriend permission first, or if the thought of going somewhere spontaneously with friends without letting him know gives you anxiety, you might want to ask yourself if this behavior is normal. Your boyfriend should never be someone you have to report to. He is not a parent, and you don't owe him explanations for everything you do. For some it might seem unbelievable, but the truth is there are boyfriends out there who will go as far as to track their girlfriend's phone to find out where they are. It's important to know there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior.
He doesn't let you hang out with other guys, but he can have all the girl friends he wants.
First of all, you should never have to ask your boyfriend's permission to hang out with anyone, no matter what their sex. Second of all, a little jealousy is normal in a relationship, but going so far as to forbid you from talking to any guys at all is insane. In a healthy relationship, there is honest and open communication, so both partners can be trusting of one another. There's nothing attractive or sexy about an overly jealous boyfriend.
He knows all your passwords.
Willingly telling your boyfriend your phone passcode is one thing, but if he has access to every account you own, i.e. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, emails, etc. anytime he wants, there is an issue. After being with someone for a long time it's normal that you would feel comfortable with him going on your social media, but there is such thing as an invasion of privacy. If he's checking up on your Facebook messages or going through your Instagram likes everyday, he's being possessive. He'll probably use the excuse "what are you hiding from me?" if you try to confront him about it, but don't be fooled by this, because it's exactly that: an excuse. If he truly loved you, he would be able to trust you without a doubt, and I'd bet my money you don't have equal access to his passwords. That's because he wants to have control over you. He's allowed to check up on you, but he'll be damned if you try to do that to him.
He tells you what you can and can't wear.
Like with most other demands a manipulative boyfriend will make, this will probably be formed as some kind of compliment, like, "Your body just looks too good in that, I don't want other people looking at you," but really, he's just trying to control you. It's not your job to stop other guys from looking at you, and if you look good, you should be proud. A real man knows it doesn't matter what other guys think of you because at the end of the day, he trusts you and knows you're loyal to him.
On the other hand, he might want you to dress more sexily and act disappointed if you don't, saying something like, "That just does nothing for you, you aren't doing yourself justice." Again, it's none of his business what you wear. He's saying that because he believes you belong to him, and he wants to show you off, but not in the cute, look-how-beautiful-my-girlfriend-is way. He means it in the this-is-mine-back-off kind of way. Bottom line is, conservative or not, If you're comfortable in the clothes you're wearing, that's all that matters.Your boyfriend should want you to feel good about yourself, and no one is entitled to tell you what you should wear, even him.
He blames you when you're upset.
You're being crazy. You're just too emotional. You're overly sensitive. Are you on your period or something? Nine times out of 10, you aren't acting crazy. Your emotions are justified, and if your boyfriend made you upset or made you cry, the last thing he should be doing is finding ways to blame it on you. He's using phrases like this to manipulate you into thinking you're overreacting, and chances are, you'll end up being the one to apologize. After being called crazy so many times, you might even start to believe it, but trust me when I say it's not your fault. Manipulative, abusive men don't apologize, and they can't take ownership for their own actions. Essentially, they're big babies who can't see their own faults, but this is no excuse to treat you like that. Accusing you of being on your period is just immature and disrespectful, but it's one of the oldest lines in the book. Never let someone discredit your own feelings, because there's always a reason you feel that way.
He showers you with gifts, compliments or attention after you fight.
This is a common way for him to make you forgive him. He'll cry and beg for your forgiveness, promise he'll change and things will be really good -- until it happens again, because it always does. But for that one to two week period where he's taking you out on special dates, telling you you're beautiful every second of the day, buying you new jewelry, you'll forget the fight happened and fool yourself into thinking you're happy. Chances are, in the back of your mind you know you're just waiting for the next explosion. When you're finally out of the relationship, you'll realize all those pretty gifts he gave you are covered with guilt and didn't actually mean anything.
You constantly feel like you're walking on eggshells.
You're terrified of making him angry or upset, knowing the littlest thing can set him off. You watch what you say, question your every move and are exhausted with making sure he's happy. None of these are normal feelings in a relationship. The constant state of anxiety you're in isn't normal, your need to please him isn't normal and it certainly isn't fair to you. A boyfriend who loves you wouldn't ever make you feel that way, and no matter what he says, it will only get worse, not better.
You feel like you need his approval and everything you do isn't good enough.
A manipulative, controlling boyfriend will make you feel bad about yourself. He'll lead you to believe he's perfect, and no matter how awful he is, somehow you'll believe it and start comparing yourself to him. For an emotionally abusive boyfriend, it's his way or the highway, and oftentimes his standards for how you should act are impossible to maintain, causing you to feel like you're always disappointing him. Just know the only standards you have to meet are the ones you set for yourself. A good boyfriend will understand if you make mistakes and won't expect outrageous things from you, and most importantly, he won't make you feel as though you're worthless.
If you or someone you know is in a relationship like the one described above, it's important to know there are resources available to help you. Abuse, be it emotional, verbal or physical, is dangerous, and acknowledging that is the first step.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233
Note: Although female pronouns are used to describe the victim and male pronouns are used to describe the abuser, it's important to note abuse can happen to anyone in any kind of relationship. It is not gender or sexuality specific and both pronouns can be used interchangeably. However, the majority of domestic abuse victims are female, so that is why female pronouns have been used in this instance.
